I forgot my headphones at home. I keep taking L’s this week.
*packs up and goes home mentally*
This is the thought that started this tumultuous post.
I am not myself when I am emotionally compromised. It’s the norm for me but I can usually keep it under control until I cannot. And this has been a compromising few days. Mail is stacking up. And emotional baggage keeps piling up in my head that try as I might cannot let go of or work through even as friends offer an ear and advice.
Having multiple emotional dumps with people (friends) really sucks when there is really only one or two people you need to talk to who can help you. Everyone have their own view and perspective on this world and how to deal. So getting multiple inputs actually backfires in the end. They are all right in their own way that suits their character. That’s why it sits badly with me when I can’t express mine that keeps bubbling over and fighting to have the last word. Because I forgot the voice I usually can tune into. Which is mine even if its filled with its flaws and bias. I know it has helped friends and strangers because I give without any personal gain in mind except for them to get better.
But once that steadfast voice becomes corrupted with a tiny bit of doubt, that’s when I know all is lost. Doubt in what I have done. Doubt in what to do presently. Doubt in where to go in the future. I am suddenly feeling the weight of the world on myself and I can’t move. Once I start doubting myself in every major action, I do it for every minor detail. And that’s not a way to live. It creates some personal self destructive tendencies from it looking back. That has caused me to restart/reboot myself as an effort to wipe the slate clean. Usually ending up alone in a dark place to start again.
It’s always dark. Which is usually calming. But these are not one of those times.
That’s not dealing with the issue. Its putting it off childishly because it will inevitably come back in a larger and greater force to F*** me up since the lesson was not learned or faced. The Universe is cruel like that with mental and emotional lessons. If I can’t face it, I will inevitably relapse and lose people I want in my life but not have enough strength of my own to keep pushing on. Not to make them stay. But just progressing that I don’t feel stagnant.
The Universe brings people who come and go sporadically. Or maybe when I need them. Or maybe its just me placing a meaning on something that doesn’t exist.
I can never really tell. The Universe is weird like that. It keeps changing and transforming and I’m not always sure how to respond. I just know I have to keep going and growing.
*takes a deep breath*
*holds for 10 seconds*
*lets it out*
I can do better. But it will take time. And before it gets better it will get much worse. Since I am a Dreamer, I know I want more for myself, I don’t want to accept the current world I see and just the people around me. There is so much more as I have seen when I traveled on this small chunk of rock hurtling in the vastness of silent space. I’m not sure who I will go with. Or where I will be.