I was warned of many different feelings and emotions a new father was likely to experience in the first few months of their child's life. The internet is full of click hungry blog posts desperate for the ad revenue provided by clueless new dad’s such as myself.

• Ignored — by Doctor’s, Midwives, your partner and pretty much everyone else.
• Tiredness
• An “emotional” wife
• Loss of independence

And well the lists continue ad infinitum, of course some of the points will apply to some more new dad’s than others.

A Father is defined as below by Merriam Webster

father

noun \ˈfä-thər\

: a male parent

: a man who is thought of as being like a father

: a person who was in someone’s family in past times

I tend to lean towards the first definition : a male parent. However Last night I realised that I had become something which does not appear on any of the internet lists I had read, nor in the dictionary definitions.

It was 00:30 and I had just finished a spot of pre-bedtime reading as I approached the bedroom My wife requested that I change my son’s nappy (diaper), tired as I was of course I agreed. I picked up my handsome little son and took him to the changing station, Sleepily I undressed him. I opened his nappy and noticed his small erect penis, 3 weeks in I am now fully aware that this is a warning sign. So not wishing to get involved in any messiness I skillfuly caught the stream and proceeded to wipe down my little boy.

All going well so far…..

As I was applying a barrier cream to protect his precious little skin there was somewhat of a violent explosion, with catlike reflexes I leapt backwards as yellowish sh#t flew from his tiny anus covering the new nappy, his arse and sprayed back off the edge of the changing table to cover his clothes. I considered myself lucky to have only the smallest bit of sh#t on my hand and commenced the clean up.

To those unfamiliar with young children and the paranoid minds of their parents this is a precarious task:

1. There is sh#t on my hand.
2. Under no circumstances must I ever leave him unattended on the changing station.
3. His mother must not witness this debacle.
4. He is covered in sh#t.
5. His clothes are covered in sh#t.
6. His Changing station is covered in sh#t.

Well Somehow I managed it, first I wiped my hands, then I reached for some nearby paper towels and wiped up most of the sh#t from the changing station, (this was when he started screaming) then I chucked the new nappy now covered in sh#t in the bin, then I grabbed a wet wipe and wiped his fantastically smooth arse again before delicately trying to pull his sh#t covered clothing over his head without further covering him. Deep breath. Now I wipe him, me and the changing station again. I once again reach for the barrier cream and apply it as he squirms and kicks while screaming in the way only an infant can. Nappy number three goes on, now to dress my darling who is still using his finest jiu jitsu skills to attempt to shrimp and evade my efforts. Once dressed I pick him up and he stops crying.

I take him back to my wife who flashes a large firm breast in our direction, When I say large and firm I mean mmmm large firm breast. I hand him over and the same male that sh#t on my hand, the changing station and made me clean it all up then proceeds to suck on my wife’s breasts in My bed, While I Watch for a short while before going back to make sure I have cleaned all of his sh#t up.

The word that came to mind was Cuckold, My Son has cuckolded me! Of course not the historical definition but one of the more modern definitions as per Urban Dictionary:

Cuckold

A husband or long term boyfriend who either likes to watch his wife with other men or is forced to watch. Often there are different levels of humiliation involved such as chastity, financial, sissification, etc. Terms surrounding cuckold include cuckolded, hotwife, bull, lover, etc.

Disclaimer: Please do not take this post too seriously, I love my wife and son dearly and hold no malice towards either.