Kaleidoscopic Dream

I closed my eyes and tried to meditate. Maybe I could get some inner peace as the yogis. All I could see was a factory of million lines constantly moving left and right, forming a zillion shapes every nanosecond and destroying them the next. Myriad memories mocking me, each trying to narrate a story but never finishing it. I caught an image of multitudes of thought lines across my forehead trying so hard to tell me so many things — what to do, what happened, where I failed, what was fun, I was being a fool, oh she is ok, I will emerge with greatness, they like my work, there is hate, I don’t belong here, I need a break. Phew!

This is not helping. Felt a pang of desperation to get that light they say will illuminate your thoughts and let you breathe life into your own jungle. But this is simply a painful horrifying summary of my life. Maybe this is what they mean by entire life flashing before your eyes. It’s not a beautiful newsreel of best snapshots. I should open my eyes. I should focus on my breath. Just air flowing in and out without interruption. It reached my hands. I thought of my crooked fingers. A snapshot of myself as a kid thinking of them as a craftsman’s digits. The digits that played with words, that drew something on the computer, that moved the mouse in a zillion directions daily to find something, to scroll through another zillion words. Feel the air reaching the back. Another random memory of someone shouting at me -”Keep that back straight. Upright. Walk like a man with confidence. A military man.” Feel it reaching the legs. Ah, the pain in my tired legs. I should open my eyes. God knows how they escape from their own darkness and call it meditation. I’m back to my forehead again searching for that elusive pinhole of light through the jungle of pain. Don’t give up. Please.

On the outside, there is nothing. No better life. I know that. Only pursuits. Outside, I am a greyhound. Muzzled. Being readied to run my daily race. An occasional pat on the back forcing me to think I have to win. Random people betting on me. Some of them shouted at me, “Go Tiger.” I looked around and saw a score of other greyhounds. All muzzled. Looking at each other. Shouting at each other, “ Go Tiger, win that race.” I panicked at the competition. I have to run. I have to win. I stare ahead towards the race tracks. I find myself transported to the starting line. Wait. Is it on already? I panicked. I look around. A huge stadium full of greyhounds. All screaming. All wanting to win. I search for my parents. I can’t find them. I search for her. I can’t find her. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a furry rabbit. I start running. I stumble. I start again. I looked sideways to the myriad of faces in the stadium. I need to see her! I’m running. Already out of breath. I hear someone shouting my name. A familiar voice. A friend. “Focus on the rabbit!” I see the rabbit again and I closed my eyes. I think of my breath. Focus. Tiny fragments of air reaching legs. Run you damned legs run. Today I can win. Focus. I open my eyes. I had never stopped. I was running. Sweat flowed down my forehead seeped into my eyes. The flurry rabbit was blurry. The blurry rabbit at precisely the same distant from my eyes as before. Not an iota of improvement. No small wins. I picked up pace. The rabbit picked up pace. It looked back and smiled at me and mouthed, “Go Tiger.” I realised I don’t even want that rabbit. Why am I after her?

I turned my head towards the stadium. There was nobody. I slowed down. A herd of fellow racers passed me, pushed me out of the tracks, some cursed at me. I try hard to see at the stadium through my blurred vision. An air hostess appeared with a pair of tongs, a wet tissue dangling from them. She smiled at me. She was beautiful. Blue eyes. Starch white skirt dancing in the wind. Long legs carved out of marble, one of them raised slightly backward in a style. One hand on the hips. Red blouse accentuating her distracting ample bosom. I kept running reaching out to those tissues. She continued to smile without any sincerity. “You are losing the race” she said in her sing song tone. I swiped my face but I remembered I was muzzled. I try hard to reach my eyes. I need to see! A bit of an improvement. I threw the tissue back at her. I looked hard at the stadium. I could see better. There was no one. I knew a few familiar faces there. I had seen them before, jumping, cheering. They were all gone. “Where is everybody?”

“They were never there. It was an illusion. Just like me.” She still smiled at me.

“What’s your name?”

“Small Win”, she said, took out a camera, smiled and clicked. Large shutter blades came rushing in at her. “Wait.” A pinhole appeared and she flew right into it. A flicker of light. She was gone. I closed my eyes, focused on my breath to start my search of that pinhole again.