Amor Fati and The Cancer

The Daily Art of War
Nov 6 · 5 min read

Mind WOD for 5 November 2019

“My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it…, but love it.” ~ Nietzsche

That ugly red blob in the picture above is a cancer cell. Those blue blobs are immune cells trying to kill it. Unfortunately, they are often unsuccessful in doing so. That’s when modern medicine comes to our aid with a host of treatments including cutting holes in our bodies, the downing of chemotherapy cocktails and being told to roast in a tanning bed that blasts radiation on you but doesn’t actually give you a tan.

Next week will be the 11th anniversary of my first, and most serious, cancer diagnosis. On November 12th, 2008, I knew something was off. I went in for a colonoscopy, at age 39, and was told after I woke from a nice drug-induced sleep, that I had colon cancer. Stage 3. A ball, about 2 inches in diameter and probably looking a lot like that red blob above, was lodged in my sigmoid colon, a piece of pipe on the left side of the lower abdomen. That diagnosis explained why I had felt like something was eating me up from the inside for the last few weeks. Something was, indeed.

The first thought that came to my mind was that I wasn’t afraid to die. That surprised me. And I smiled at my own arrogance. The next thought was that things were going to be different, quite a bit different, regardless of me liking it or not.

At the time, I had been a middle-aged philosophy student. I was gobbling up books and quotes from the ancients and the moderns alike at every turn. Right around the time of the diagnosis, I had been enjoying Nietzsche’s take on the state of the world in the 19th century and that’s where I discovered amor fati, the love of fate.

I hadn’t quite bought into the concept but, I did notice and appreciate its merits. Love what happens, and it will be easier to deal with — more or less. That was true. After 6 months of ass-kicking, appetite killing, and way-the-f*ck-down-but-not-out chemo-cocktailing, I was cured. For the next 5 years, I was a proud peacock, strutting about as Mr. Cancer Survivor.

Then one Saturday in late January of 2013, when I was working in Seoul, South Korea, I woke up with a soju hangover. Went to the bathroom, splashed some arctic cold water on my face and noticed what looked like a pencil eraser sticking out the side of my forehead. Long story short, I flew back to the U.S. to get a skin cancer diagnosis known as a squamous cell carcinoma. Went to the derma surgeon, got it cut out and was left with a scar about 2 inches long on my forehead that looks kinda like a lightning bolt. Just f*cked up enough to look quasi-cool. And, to sweeten the deal, I got 30 days of radiation as a preventive measure.

Then, in 2015, again in 2016, and just 4 weeks ago, I got 3 more skin cancer diagnoses, 3 more derma surgeries, and 3 more scars. Thankfully though, no chemo or radiation.

That’s 5 times in my life that I was told, “you’ve got cancer.” FML? I’ve certainly said that a few times over those years. Amor fati? I’ve been saying that a lot more in recent years because what else can I do? Complain? No good. Avoid it? Can’t be done.

All that’s left to do is to accept the fate, deal with it the best I can, and enjoy the mental toughness that was, and is, continually challenged with these events and that continues to grow as a result.

“What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.” ~ Nietzsche

Indeed, that quote is true. Ironically, after getting 11 inches of my physical guts cut out, I have more metaphorical guts then I ever had before. Love of fate? Love might be a strong word but, in retrospect, I’m glad I’ve had all those cancers because they showed me what really f*cking matters and what doesn’t deserve to be given a single f*ck.

Now, don’t misconstrue this article as a longing for a pity party. The thought alone makes me gag. On the contrary, this story has been written to highlight for you the importance of accepting what life has dealt to you, to deal with whatever is causing strife in the best way you can, and to help you develop some solid character-building for yourself along the way. And hence, today’s Mind WOD has two parts, as follows:

1. Think back to a time in the last year where some kind of shit in your life hit the fan and ask yourself these questions:

- What was my reaction?

- Could I have handled it better?

- Was it really that bad?

- Am I stronger for the experience than I would have been without it?

- How would it have been different if I had been operating under the philosophy of amor fati?

2. Think ahead to the future and imagine that you’re given some really f*cking bad news about your health, job, relationship, or some other really important area of your life. As yourself these questions:

- How can I best handle the hugely unfortunate news?

- What really matters now, in light of this news?

- What, and who, can I rely on, no matter what?

Write the questions and your answers in a journal of some kind. Though some of the answers might be unsettling, I am certain that you will find them illuminating and that they’ll be fodder for developing your mental toughness. Through that mental toughness, through the ability to take what life throws at you with a loving smile on your face, through that trial by adversity, you’ll find your real personality, discover your true colors, and begin to achieve greatness in character. And if it doesn’t, love that outcome of fate anyway. The resulting peace of mind will pay huge dividends.

The Daily Art of War

Written by

Freelance writer and creator of the Mind WOD — short articles on the psychology of strategic and practical growth — to help us be better versions of ourselves.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade