Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
It has been a while since I written that. I guess times have changed.
It is true that one of the hallmarks of being an adult is taking on more responsibilities and I understand that perfectly well but sometimes these responsibilities can be a tad heavy to carry.
I woke up today, not really in the best of moods. My weekend was not going as planned and it made me feel like I had wasted the time I did not have. I tried coming up with something to post but after racking my uncooperative brain for about an hour, I decided to tackle my cluttered room- crossing off the first thing on the tiny to-do list I had written.
While cleaning, my mind kept going through a lengthy list of all the things I must get done. The more I thought about them, the longer the list grew and my already cranky self, became upset. Again, I felt like I was wasting time, worrying about how my clothes were not arranged by colour.
Guilt started to settle in, and I quickly rounded up my cleaning exercise, anxious to get something substantial done. I added more things to that tiny list of things I believed I could get done today.
Looking back at the list, I suddenly felt overwhelmed, scared of the tasks I had lined up for myself. For the millionth time this week, it hit me that I am indeed an adult and that these “scary” things on a list were in fact long time dreams that could only become reality if I took the first step-that first step into the unknown-
I looked back at all the plans I had drawn up but what good is a plan if you do not do anything in that direction? Like an architect after drawing up a plan to a house choosing to rip it apart because he feels unsure.
Diary, adulting is freaking scary. Its lonely and most times, I feel like I do not know what I am doing and frankly, I actually do not know what I am doing. There are no rules or manual to this thing. I just must learn as I go and that is a dreadful thing for an overthinker.
Still actively trying to unlearn self-destructive habits- I have finally been able to convince myself that it does not have to be 100% perfect before its considered good-My mom always tells me after a test or an exam that there is no such thing as a weak pass or a strong failure. Its either you passed, or you failed. it either you win, or you lose. Life is like two sides of a coin, its either heads or tails.
Mom also encourages me to speak to God whenever my anxiety tries to get the best of my mind. Like she says “there’s a time for confession and a time for intersession. It’s only in the place of intersession(prayers) that the right confessions will come.” Honestly so blessed to have my own personal Yoda.
She always reminds me that I am not under any pressure to do anything (which is something I have a hard time remembering) she says “You just must stay consistent in whatever you want to do and eventually, it will yield results. Enjoy what you do!” and like a wise child, I am choosing to hold on to the words of my Yoda.
