Being Ok In The Grey
Amanda Rosenberg
21510

At least your not ambiguous about wanting to pursue help for yourself! For me, It started as mild, garden variety depression, graduated to panic attacks and then switched to an anxiety I could almost set a clock to. I was still holding it together. Then one day, I was diagnosed with a pituitary brain tumor that left me with life threatening secondary illnesses. The doctors either didn’t know or didn’t make the connection but the same steroids that keep me alive are now destroying my bones and killing me in a different way . I’ve had twelve failed back surgeries (including fusions) and hip replacement all within years of the brain surgery. I’m so physically ruined, I can barely walk anymore . I’ve been told by four of my Doctors, independent of one another, “your 44 years old but physiologically, you are in your 90s.” Nobody in my personal seems to even notice or acknowledge that I’ve been brainwashed into “waiting to die rather than actually living”. I’ve become angry, depressed, and lost even. I’m exhausted putting on my charade to get through every day when I want to curl up and wallow in my pain. My situation is a story in and of itself but I respect, understand and thank you for the outlet to speak openly about part of my pain as well as connect to those living in the “unknown” too.