How to Trash Talk in Fantasy Football

“Sup nerds” “Hey foreheads” “They were called Jumpolines before your mom jumped on one”

You’re reading this article because no matter the score, how many championships you have, or how much better looking your league mates are than you, you can always assert dominance by being the funniest in your league.

Here’s my four step program to being the best roaster to ever grace the presence of your league:

Step 1 “Beat them to the Punch”

Ever been sent a meme (funny picture that relates to a certain topic) and you already saw it a week ago? You didn’t send it, so you don’t get the credit for it.

Always be on the lookout for what’s funny, because quick humor is better than delayed comedy.

Step 2: “No One Is Safe”

If you just aim all your insults at one person, that can seem like bullying, and we’re not in this game to actually hurt feelings.

If you have ever watched a roast, everyone there gets made fun of, not just the “person of the hour.” If you just throw shots at one target, you leave everyone else out and they don’t feel a part of it. If your grandpa is in the league, I promise you he will get a great laugh out of you telling him his hairline goes back further than his memory of how much things used to cost.

Truly, everyone has more fun when they are included. And if your wife is in the league, this rule DOES NOT APPLY TO HER!!!!!!

Step 3: “Be Unique”

“That’s what she said” is the exact opposite of a dead horse, because it’s been beat into the ground.

No one wants to hear high school insults, that’s what online gaming is for.

You’re not a super hero, you don’t need a go-to catchphrase.

Don’t always say the same things, that’s what Cowboy fans do.

If you want to be a great roaster, you must first become a great listener, to be sure that what someone says can and will be used against them in a court of fantasy.

An analogy that fits this is: “if I have an hour to chop down a tree, I’d spend the first 45 minutes sharpening the axe.” Let them do the set up, you just do the knocking down.

Step 4: “We Roast the Ones We Love”

Don’t use actual insults, don’t be intentionally crude, and never forget that you can be the rise or fall of your relationships with these people.

There is always a fine line between “hilarious” and “total jerk,” and talking trash will lead you to a continual back and forth like a team led by Jameis Winston.

Fantasy football is fun, so only do what adds to that, and if you go too far, sorry is a word that I am yet to overuse.