A new job can really mess with your way of thinking, but, it can also open you up to a new way of analysing yourself (#13)
When depression hits it fucking it sucks. The worst thing is I don’t even want to call this state ‘depression’ because that does suck, and I can’t tell if this is the same feeling or if it’s just my brain telling me that you feel sucky right now and the last time you felt like this (which was a few weeks back) was when you just wanted to crawl into a ball and pretend you were interested in that YouTube video you were forcing yourself to watch. Therefore, what is this feeling I find myself battling right now?
I’d like to guess that there are some factors that are contributing to my sudden downfall of positivity and incredible rise of misery. It’s a new feeling of being negatively content I’m withholding right now and I can only harbour the analytical creativity to muster up some points, up in a raw draft, of my current state. So, let’s see now;
#1. I recently started a new job.
This is not a bad thing. I wanted a new job because my old one sucked ass and it literally made me feel like I was going to puke at times while at the desk -for clarification it was a contact centre- point proven. It’s a new place of work and a new job role which I haven’t exactly had a huge amount of work experience in. I majored in Marketing and my new job is a Sales and Marketing combo role, but the long term responsibilities I am going to now put myself through sounds like a big difference for me, even though I’m excited for it. How about that for the angel and the devil… You wanted and worked hard for this role and now you’re having trouble liking the fact that you’re now in it?
#2. Speaking on from point #1, I now have a new routine.
All being this is only day 2 of my new career move, however, already I have been stripped away from my regular habitual pattern. Not to mention I’ve been placed into a new one and have therefore had to re-place some of my regular routine activities, such as walking my dog in the mornings around 10–11 o’ clock. Pushing that to an evening agenda hasn’t caused much of a distribution but it just feels odd.
#3. I’ve lost time in my usual day.
Not that this is a ‘biggy’ but not being able to; continue building my start-up content, try and kill off some projects I have in the bank, write on Medium and even keep up with internet trends during the day has hit me quick. My usual free flow of brain activity and creative thought has been halted and placed within a new line of work. This of-course has meant that the areas listed have suffered slightly, and know that they will be suffering more often in order for my brain to be utilised at work instead. Imagine cooking a random dish at different times of the day all week then suddenly being thrown into a kitchen and have a set menu to cook. No big concerns just sudden adaptability is needed.
#4. I’m meeting new people
While starting a new job, you will be introduced to new systems, ethics, places , products, services and of course people. I’ve fortunately been blessed to receive a good bunch of new faces at my new job, some of which I fee like I’ve already known for months, even though it’s only been days. But let’s consider this. Much like my brain is associating new lines of work with sacrificing my own creative projects at home, does the same concept apply to these new people. I mean, yeah these new faces will not be considered new within the next few weeks, in fact they’ll be normalised through my eyes. So, who then becomes less normalised to me? I still live with my parents, so they’re not losing their place, but surely this divert of human relations causes some divide in my close circle? That’s what drags me down a bit I would think, although some may say you’ll still find time for them, but, would they still find time for me if I’m working a lot and prefer my weekends alone? Could some relation tethers begin to tear at this point in my early twenties? I don’t want these questions to be answered, I’d rather go with the flow but I’d like to imagine a fairly balance schedule of socialising and working, now I’m in that 9–5 bracket.
#5. It’s a new chapter
Yeah, I’m going to ring out this cliche and say it’s a new chapter in the book of me. As much as I cringe at that saying, it is true. Look at the newness of what I’ve just wrote. People, place, job, habitat, habits, feelings, activity etc. It’s all going to be uncomfortable no matter how much I lie to myself and others.
“Hey how’s you first couple days of the new job been?”
“Have you enjoyed settling into the new position?”
“What’s the role actually like?”
“What is it you will be doing again?”
All these questions I expected to have the answers for, but it turns out, I really don’t think I do. Am I sad about the new job? No, it’s refreshing to have secured a place that I knew I wanted to be at. Is it uncomfortable to be in a new job? Fuck yes. No disrespect to the new faces but I really hate the part where you’re getting to know someone.
I’ve come to realise after writing this story out, that, getting a new job is a lot like getting into a new relationship. It feels awkward to begin with and takes some getting familiar with. You will spend a lot more time away from your usual routine and you’ll make extra sacrifices to make this new thing work, that is if you really want it. And what’s more is that you’re not sure how your new habits will role off onto other people. Some may resent you. Some may be proud of you. Others may just feel unwelcome been as thought you’re spending more time with other factors in your life.
I for sure will attempt to hold on my circle of friends, my independent lines of work and my natural comfort zone. But… I haven't read enough into this ‘new chapter’ to figure out what lies ahead. The only thing consistent with who I was before and after securing a new job, is that, I can over think it way too much and can subconsciously force myself into one hell of a mood swing.
