How to Have a Conversation

Dan Sanchez
Jul 10, 2017 · 2 min read

One of the most powerful lessons I’ve gleaned from How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is: to be interesting, be interested.

I realized that I was going about conversations all wrong. Basically I was performing all the time. I was trying to be interesting by saying interesting things that made me look smart. I’d scan what they were saying for associations with anecdotes I knew about from the news, from history, from my readings, from pop culture, from my life, etc. I would try to offer insights, witticisms, morsels of wisdom, and clever remarks, trying to dazzle them by showering them with sparks of my own “brilliance.”

It almost never worked. I probably either came off as an obnoxious know-it-all, or an intense, odd bird. It was also exhausting. I was more averse to socializing at all, because such performances were so arduous to pull off all the time.

But after reading Carnegie’s book, I stopped trying to be interesting directly, and instead just tried being interested: and as Carnegie promised, people have found me more interesting as a result.

Now, I look for natural segues to asking the other person a question about themselves. Based on their response, I ask a follow-up question. With every successive question, this practice kindles in me an authentic curiosity in the other’s person’s life and thoughts. I’ll insert my own thoughts and stories here and there, but always I return to the questions. As I grow more curious about the other person, my questions themselves become more thoughtful and penetrating. I often hear, “that’s a good question,” before the other person dives into an introspective thought they’ve never had before.

It has worked like magic. The other person becomes much more comfortable and chatty than with my old approach. And they naturally grow more interested in the person who is so refreshingly interested in them.

And now I’m more eager to socialize, because I’m better at it, and it’s much less laborious. I no longer feel like I’m putting on a show. It feels more akin to learning about a fascinating subject by reading a good book, which I already love to do.

Try it!

Dan Sanchez

Written by

Essayist, Editor, & Educator | dansanchez.me

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