What Is Your Story?
On Sunday Tamar asked the simple question “what is your story?” Followed by “what are you running from?” and “what are you running towards?” Today I am going to share all three of these answers. I will have to admit, I already have a hard time sharing this to myself. I had wrote a testimony years back, but here is the thing, testimonies change with time. Mine has changed a lot. So here it comes.
What is My Story?
As a child I was always told about Jesus and his love, but I never really cared. Sure I said I loved God, I just simply didn’t realize how big his love truly is. Growing up, I always wanted to please people, I always wanted to make sure that the moment I left, there was a smile on their face. That mind set controlled how I managed my friendships and relationships. It led me to do things I wasn’t ready to do, and things I never wanted to do. When all that started happening, I decided God really wasn’t that great, or important. I gave up one of the biggest things you can give as a young human, to a boy who really didn’t care what my feelings were, or care enough to ask how I was doing. I was a piece in his life that didn’t matter, like a puzzle piece to the wrong puzzle. But to me, that piece was everything and I gave it up, just like that. Why did I do it? Because I didn’t care what God thought of me anymore. I didn’t care about God at all.
You Can Put on a Face at Church, But that Doesn’t Mean a Thing.
I faked it, I was a fake christian. I would be the one smiling when I walked through the door, smiling when I said “hello” to everyone. That smile was fake. I didn’t want to be there. I am sure there were times when I BEGGED my parents to let me stay home so I could scroll on MySpace and talk to my “real” friends. But there I was smiling, listening, pretending to care, But I didn’t, I didn’t care. I was the girl who cut herself whenever she felt any sort of emotion that wasn’t positive. I was the girl who just wanted to be liked, and by everyone. I was the girl that looked for love in places that should never be looked. I wanted someone to love me, I wanted someone to care about me, and I didn’t believe I could get that from God.
After pulling this fake Christianity card for years it finally happened. I gave my heart, to God in a small church basement in a small town of Wisconsin. I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I thought my life would get better from here on out, I thought life would get easier. But instead God tore me down. He placed me in scenarios that tested me, that made me what to change my mind. Giving your life to God is hard, and I didn’t trust him, I didn’t want to trust him. So I didn’t fully give my life, or my heart to him.
Flash forward to November of 2015. I was a girl without God once again, I loved God, I wasn’t fully living my life for him. I was still running from him with the mind set of “oh hes waiting for me, its cool”. But that mind set grew Old, I didn’t want to live the way I’d been living. So I did what I had to do, I connected myself to the church, to my friends. And my heart started Glowing, for once I was finally happy, for once my love tank was filling up. God was filling it up.
What am I running from?
I am running from fear of rejection. My anxiety, depression. I am running from lust and the feeling that I am never going to be good enough to be loved by someone.
What am I running Towards?
I am running towards God, I am running to his Love. I am running to be more like him in every aspect of my life. I am running towards my future, I am running towards hope of a better life with him. I am running to know him more then I ever have before.
Recently I fully gave my trust to him, and his love speaks volumes. I have listened to his voice and he has answered my prayers. My testimony isn’t over, its only beginning. God is pouring my life inside out. He is making me feel things I had never wanted to feel. He is pulling out my hurt from all different directions and making me face my past, so I can truly move on into the amazing future he has for me. I wish I could go back to 17 year old me and hug her and tell her she is worth a lot more then the boy down the street. That she is worth so much more, and God’s plan for her life is so much bigger then she realized. It only goes up from here.