Letter To My Future Self

Dear Future Daniel,

You’re almost 40, and probably marginally successful. However, as of writing this in 2015, you’re a fledgling comedy writer pursuing your dream, failing gracefully, and you’ve recently lost your iPhone charger.

Have you found it, yet? Please tell me you have. I could have sworn it was in my bedroom, but it isn’t. I don’t remember taking it over to Kevin’s house, but that is definitely something I would have done.

The job’s going great and pays the bill, but, seriously, where is that fucking phone charger? I have the box that plugs into the wall, but the USB thing is nowhere to be seen. You see, I don’t want to buy a brand new one and then 9 years and 51 weeks ago you finds it in our book bag or something, and then you get angry at yourself for being so irresponsible. Then, 9 years and 50 weeks ago you has to go through Amazon to return the new charger, because nobody needs more than one in the house. That’s just excessive. But, of course you bought the only one on the site that has a no-return policy, so you have to eat the $20 and overnight shipping costs like a fucking idiot.

Your student loans are piling up, but you’re doing a great job paying them off. How much do you have left to pay? Also, do you even need phone chargers in the future, or can I just stop worrying about it? It gets my goat that I lost something so essential. I bet Kevin stole it. He always was a piece of garbage. Do you still talk to him? If you do, tell him you want your goddamn phone charger back, that thieving dick! Don’t listen to him if he tells you he doesn’t have it, or offers you a different charger that he knows damn well doesn’t fit your style of phone.

Just wanted to let you know, to keep dreaming, keep pursuing your passion, and fuck Kevin if he tells you he found your charger 9 years and 8 months ago from when you’re presently reading this, but he didn’t know whose it was, so he thought he would just place it in his miscellaneous drawer. Call his bluff because 10 years and 1 day ago you already asked for it. God, I hate that guy.

Hey, pal. So, funny story… 9 years 364 days and 12 hours ago you just found that charger. Turns out you left it in the guest bathroom, for some reason. Please apologize to Kevin for the death threats that 9 years 364 days and 17 hours ago you threw at him. Hopefully, you both are laughing about it now.

Love you, buddy!

-Daniel from 2015