The cybernetic revolution starts now
“Digital Democracy? Isn’t that just going to encourage trolls?”
“I think John the Baptist is feeling inspired by Apple’s tax bill to be honest. And of course the suspension of @MomentumTrumpton.”
Yesterday’s meeting was a bit of a late one as we had spent the morning in Shoreditch with the petty hippy bourgeoisie. It wasn’t great to be honest — the live feed didn’t work and someone used comic sans for the briefing.
Before today I hadn’t seen JC in weeks — John the Baptist agreed somewhat enthusiastically to chair central committee meetings in his stead. Can’t wait for him to take over the Treasury so he can get straight to work and scrap Blairite utopian fantasy fiscal rules.
I remember well my first illegal budget. It was in a show of solidarity with Degsy when I was president of Bluecoat School in Liverpool. In the end we had to lay off around fifteen cleaners — we could have laid off admin staff instead but we agreed that the latter were of more distinct value — it will be useful to have someone that knows how to work a colour-coded spreadsheet when the revolution comes. Besides, who wants to be a cleaner?
JC went straight home after the launch. Something about trimming that bush he always has to duck under to get to his front door. He had hoped to do it over the bank holiday but he had a speaking engagement with the Transcaucasian Soviets.
Sean, our Director of non-Portland Communications and Proletariat Relations barked to Kate Fleacher — Head of Democracy and CLP Surveillance — about getting someone to serve the marrow juice.
Sean was still fuming over traingate. Kate and I had to practically wrestle him to the ground last week after he defied orders and tried to go on Channel 4 News to curse Branson live on air. It’s funny how a Stalinist can be so New Labour Spin at times.
Still it wasn’t quite as cringe as what John the Baptist had planned. He wanted to use the opportunity to re-enact the stopping of the Royal Train just outside Petrograd the next time “Sir” Richard boarded one of his trains (hashtag lol). Luckily the press never got wind of this — at least we still have some friends at the Guardian.
When no-one offered to pour the marrow juice it fell to Kate as usual. I sometimes wonder why she always ends up doing it — it’s almost as if the rest of the committee don’t know how to do menial tasks. Must be all that energy it takes thinking strategically.
“So the Digital Bill of Rights looks great!” I said enthusiastically. We had just returned from a post gig lunch at the Shoreditch branch of Byron Burger. Kate and I had doth protested but as Sean eloquently relayed, boycotts were mere bourgeois sentimentalism that delayed the revolution. Was a shame as I was looking forward to eating parsnip chips out of a tweed flat cap.
“I think it’s great that we are using the term Rights you know — what with the imminent scrapping of the Human Rights’ Act…” Kate drawled sardonically.
“Can we get to business please — perhaps an update on conference?” Sean droned, shooting Kate some serious hammer and sickle eye as he threw down his latest pamphlet, We need to talk about Kevin Maguire…. and a serious regroupment of the left. (Funny because from my perspective I feel like that’s all we ever talk about.)
“Which conference?” Kate asked.
“But isn’t there… I thought there was… Isn’t there only one conference?” I replied authoritatively.
Sean laughed uproariously. Which coincided with a small spray of marrow juice onto my keffiyeh. Lucky thing I have a spare.
Our strategy discussion was interrupted by a sweaty junior whip. Forever sweating, though who knows how they spend their time.
“What do you want?” Sean barked.
“You know this would be easier if you worked out of Portcullis like the rest of us.” The whip replied sardonically.
Sean recently had us all moved to Party HQ. Something about wanting to be closer to the eye of the storm. I assume he meant the Party’s digital team. Hashtag Digital Human Rights’ Act!
The whip embarked on a Blairite rant about clarity and consistency that was ironically anything but. Luckily we were interrupted by John the Baptist who emerged from the shadows with the Head of the Pacifist Red Army; the Queen of Thornberries. The whip stopped mid-sentence and ran out of the building screaming. Weird.
John The Baptist took his seat alongside the Queen of Thornberries as he reminded us all that whips were banned under the new politics — now people vote with their consciences.
“You mean vote against the policies that JC was elected on? I think not!” Cut-in an outraged Sean. “A million members versus un-elected conference delegates.”
(Sean had the endearing habit of adding an extra digit whenever he spoke about the party membership.)
“So to conference.” Kate began. “A 5% threshold is being proposed…”
There we embarked on a thrilling discussion about the upcoming leadership election. Not this one. The one after that.
John the Baptist was smiling like it was the Bradford Spring all over again. Votes at conference being dealt with, we moved finally to Ed Ball-ache’s new “book”.
“How are we responding?” John the Baptist barked.
“We’ve had a pop at him on the twitter.”
“Good. Just make sure we don’t relent. And make sure you continue getting all those Momentum parody accounts suspended. Let’s not lose focus of who the enemy is.”
The cybernetic revolution game was on.
