Legitimising Dissent

“Credible Corbynism? You’re kidding?”

“I wish I was.”

“People are queuing round the block to see him speak apparently.”

“Maybe they have him confused with Owen Jones?”

We all laughed uproariously. That usually heralded the start of proceedings so I started pouring the herbal tea and tap water.

Corbyn and McDonnell were not able to join us this morning. Something about the unveiling of a new IRA mural in Derry. Was a shame as I had some funny break-in stories to share with John.

We toasted our imminent victory knowing that a Kangaroo Court was an option if the High Court let us down later today. “The King in Islington North!” I quipped. Nobody laughed — they just repeated it loudly — laying their swords upon the table.

Seumas, our Director of Communications and Proletariat Relations had summoned us in early. I rocked up at 11am with Jim Freeman-Jones, a recently promoted Momentum organiser who was now our Director of Twitter Rebuttal and Thought Reform. Then there was also some lady, apparently our Head of Finance and Redistribution of Wealth/Socialism with an Ipad.

“Seumas can you have a word with Jez about his speaking engagements?” I began.

“What about them?” Seumas snapped.

“Well he keeps standing by things he said in last year’s leadership election…” I began. “At Chipping Norton Momentum…”

Jim coughed loudly.

“…CLP… meeting last night, he talked about annual leadership elections again, then he mentioned policy being voted on by members…”

Seumas was looking very hard at a what appeared to be a small spider crawling across the ceiling. A long pause followed. It was getting pretty awkward and I’ve seen Michael Crick ask Mandelson and McDonnell to hug.

“You ok Seumas?”

“Austerity!” He tore his eyes away from the ceiling. “What?”

“I just want to avoid our leader contradicting party policy again…”

“But Jeremy is right!” Jim scoffed.

The worst was about to happen. I felt a disagreement looming with my comrades.

How could I? It would after all be a slap in the face to everything the new politics stands for. Did I even know myself anymore?

I took a deep draw of breath but got saved by the Seumas.

“Respect mandate… Members…” Seumas now seemed distracted by a gust of wind blowing outside.

“Only when they agree with us mind!” Our lady companion quipped beaming at me. I grinned back only to realise that was not the line, as I saw Seumas and Jim nodding profusely in agreement.

“So why are we here Comrade?” Jim yawned.

Seumas threw a pamphlet on the table. I hesitated, nervous that it was another of his Militant Tendency articles — and I was having enough trouble getting through the last one he had given me — Why Lexit is our Lamarque Moment.

I began reading. Turns out it wasn’t a pamphlet but a piece of Murdoch propaganda going by the name of Private Eye.

“By the end of the campaign we would have legitimised dissent…”

“Which traitor said that?” Jim barked.

“Lansman.” Seumas mumbled authoritatively.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Chill comrades. He said it in 1988.”

That was comforting. I can only assume it was back in Lansman’s anti-apartheid days — Lansman wouldn’t be so disloyal for nothing.

Seumas sighed and started explaining our petty problem. Turns out McDonnell has a long history of holding various Labour Leaders “to ransom” over the past few decades. I was extremely shocked. He had always come across as the silent, loyal type — and certainly not someone I would have thought would ever disrespect a leader’s mandate.

Oh well, I thought to myself. He would have had his reasons.

Turns out — according to Seumas — that McDonnell (I should point out here dear diary, that the affectionate name we have for him in the office is John the Baptist) wanted to do a similar thing to Miliband if he had won in May 2015, who may well have had to rely on slim SNP support and thus command the full confidence of the PLP — including that of principled left-wingers like John the Baptist.

John the Baptist’s demands on Milibae included a budget bill to include new growth in (and on) allotments, a new national museum of the Manhole and ringfenced NHS funding for homeopathy.

All discarded dreams now. Good job Milibae didn’t end up winning — and no wonder he lost — war-mongering Blairite that he is.

“He just needs to stop talking about ransoms is all…” Seumas continued. He turned to Jim. “You’re in charge of keeping watch on old McDonnell.”

“This is all very Sports Direct Seumas!” Jim protested. “Whatever happened to the new politics?”

“Got a better idea?”

“We could pass some motions?”

“The Central Committee….

I heard someone in the next room cough.

“…The NEC…” Seumas continued grumpily. “Have banned all meetings until the leadership election is over.”

“But how can we have democracy without meetings?”

It was a good point. Another silence followed. Our meetings were getting increasingly like Shadow Cabinet.

Jim sighed. “Can I update my twitter bio at least?” I don’t think Seumas heard him — but then it was a rather large coffee table we were sat at.

I continued reading. “Sometimes successful politicians have to be prepared to go for the kill.”

“What treachery is this! Who was that? Eagle?”

“Diane Abbott apparently.”

I sighed throwing the pamphlet down and had a rebellious disloyal thought that I reprimanded myself for afterwards — “At least she’s inconsistent.”

It was going to be a long day.