The EU Song Contest

“Did you see the EU song contest results? Another reason to Vote Leave.”


You find me this morning, dearest diary as Sean Miller, our Head of Communications and Proletariat Relations bursts into the office — which made a nice change from his usual lurking in the shadows.

We had an early start this morning. In the interest of the #newpolitics, Jeremy has started hosting morning tea parties with MPs from across the political spectrum. Today, we were hosting some apparatchik from the Progress Party — which following the biggest election of 2015 (in September) had become the UK Parliament’s third biggest party.

So at 11am we rocked up to the office to welcome our guest. He seemed like a nice enough chap and surprisingly hadn’t been bugged — though he hadn’t thus far been showing too much interest in our strategy discussion. That was until Sean began to rile him.

“I was really rather pleased for Ukraine.” Our guest protested, slouching authoritatively in his chair.

I thought Sean was going to spontaneously combust. “But it’s not even a real country!” He decried.

The Progress apparatchik sighed and looking forlornly into his cup, turned to me, enquiring about milk.

“Fraid not…” I replied sadly. Jeremy has of course insisted that we don’t use milk until we leave the EU and the milk quota can be re-introduced.

“So which non-EU Countries are in Eurovision then?” asked Jessica, our Head of Political Consciousness as our strategy discussion continued.

This could be a fun game I thought to myself, or at least more fun than our usual game of thrones.

“Israel?” I offered.

Sean laughed uproariously.

“Rogue states don’t count comrade,” Sean replied, dabbing his eyes with Jeremy’s handkerchief. “Come on it’s easy — one of our greatest allies?”


Sean wasn’t impressed. An awkward moment passed. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this awkward and I’ve seen Jeremy speak at Progress Conference.

“Serbia? Belarus?” I think that was our guest.

“So how does the voting work in the EU song contest then?” Nancy asked. “Is it One Member One Vote?”

We all laughed uproariously.

Wiping his eyes once again, Sean responded.

“Oh it’s done via electoral college… very New Labour you know… divide and rule” Sean replied gruffly.

“Rest be assured — we won the public vote.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant by “we” but then I guess I never am.