The Bug
A Nameless Giant was walking out of his giant house one Friday night, on his way to a giant cabana to meet up with his other giant friends.
The Nameless Giant just locked up his giant door when he saw a giant praying mantis chilling on his front porch. Not giant in an objective sense, but rather giant in a relative sense to other insects. It was still small compared to the Nameless Giant.
The Nameless Giant was instantly pissed, and called out, “Um, could you tell me what the hell you are doing here?”
The Mantis swiveled its head one hundred and eighty degrees like they’re creepily able to do and eyed the Giant. He could feel the hostility in the air and worked quickly to try and diffuse it.
“Nothing man, just chilling.”
“On my porch, though. Why the fuck are you on my porch? This is my property and I didn’t say you could ‘chill’ here,” The Nameless Giant said, putting douchey emphasis on the Mantis’s lingo as if that was a nice comeback.
“Why do you care? I’m not bothering anyone, if anything I’ll be catching some other Giant Insects that would otherwise be a pest to you. This will directly benefit you. Aren’t you leaving anyway? I’ll be gone by the time you get back from wherever it is you’re going. You won’t see me again.”
The Nameless Giant let out a long sigh, and started rubbing his temples as he closed his eyes tight.
“You’re still talking. You’re still talking and you’re still on my porch. Why are you still on my porch,” The Nameless Giant said. What a great start to his night. Not only did this stupid giant Mantis make him late, but it was keeping him here even longer with his stupid giant justifications.
“Giant Jesus man, you need to relax. I’m not doing anything.”
“Not doing anything? Okay. Okay. Not fucking doing anything. Does this look like you’re not doing anything?” The Nameless Giant reached into his giant pocket and pulled out his giant phone, quickly taking a snapshot of the giant Mantis.
“What the fuck man? Don’t shove that thing in my giant face!” The Mantis exclaimed.
“Oh? Like this?” The Nameless Giant yelled before taking an even closer snapshot.
“What the hell! You know what dude, I’m out of here. You go do whatever it is you’re doing tonight. Peace man, seriously,” The Mantis said before scampering away.
The Nameless Giant placed his giant phone back into his giant pocket. Stupid asshole made the Nameless Giant late. Seething, he made his way over to his giant car and drove off to the giant cabana to meet his giant friends.
-
Upon pulling up to the giant cabana, the Nameless Giant got out of his giant car with a giant smile, his head practically doing a one-eighty to follow the cute giant girls walking into the giant cabana swaying their actually sorta just average sized hips hypnotically.
The Nameless Giant grinned, made his giant mental plan of attack, and walked up to the giant Bouncer only to realize he left his giant wallet at his giant house.
“Oh n0, no no no no goddamnit!” The Nameless Giant cursed to himself. Listen man, you gotta just let me in.” The giant Bouncer, who was giant even compared to the Nameless Giant, simply shook his head. “Listen, no one can even see us right now. You’ve seen me here before, you know I’m old enough. I’ll buy drinks which will directly benefit you with tips and the club’s profits. You wont even see me again.”
“I’m telling you right now unless you let me see some giant identification, you don’t have a prayer of getting into this giant cabana.”
“Come on dude, just help me out!” The Nameless Giant pleaded. The Bouncer gave a long sigh and started rubbing his temples.
“You’re still here, and you’re still talking. Why are you still talking,” the Bouncer mumbled. The Nameless Giant stomped back to his giant car, thinking bitterly about how that giant Mantis had ruined his entire night.
-
Yeah this was based on a true story. I was going out a Friday night when I saw the huge praying mantis outside and decided to take the pictures of it because it looked cool, then decided to shoehorn it into a story.
I actually wasn’t pissed off at it or anything but it did run away after the second picture. It also didn’t make me late, I didn’t forget my wallet, I was bigger than the bouncer, and I had a fun, great night at the cabana. But real life doesn’t make for a good story, so I changed everything.
