A Rambling Love Letter To My Son

-Happy Birthday

Hey buddy. I just wanted to type this now before the words slip away into oblivion. I would tell you these things, but I don’t know, maybe you’re too young to understand what I’m trying to say. But then again, maybe you do because I know you’re a very smart kid.

The more and more we talk, the more I begin to comprehend that you are growing up, and you are learning so many things without me even realizing it. You are such a bright kid. You are optimistic, energetic, and enthusiastic. You love life. You love to interact with others, you love to play. You love to teach people new things and share the many things you’ve learned. I realize that there have been some times where I’ve discouraged you from sharing so much because you know so many things, but other people don’t know as much as you; and so I thought people would think you’re strange because they couldn’t possibly keep up with what you’re talking about. I’m sorry for doing that. I honestly didn’t know I was doing it. You shouldn’t care what people think about you, and I know you don’t. You are the most unique kid I know.

You are smart, and kind, and brave. You are not afraid to talk to people and make new friends. I hope that part of you never changes. You really love your mom and dad. I hope that never changes. You are happy to have your big brothers, and your nephews, your entire family. And I hope that never changes. I just want you to know that today is Monday, the day after your 10th birthday. And you are all I’ve been thinking about today. I can’t believe you’ve been in my life for 10 years. You’re growing up so fast. I’ve been looking at the picture I took of you yesterday at chuck e cheese. You were so excited to go. You even wanted to stay longer. You are so energetic! Afterwards, we went to grab some Chinese food, and then we hung out with your niece and nephews. And finally later that day we all spent some time outside playing — you, me, your mom, your brothers, your nephews, your niece. It was a very good day. A day I hope I never forget. It was a happy day for you and we all were happy yesterday. All of us shared one beautiful, wonderful day. Your 10th birthday!

I want you to know that I think about you all the time. You are my heart. I love you so much. I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I love you. I miss you. Dude, I spent all day with you yesterday, and right now I miss you. I wish you were right here with me hanging out. Since the day you were born you have brought so much joy into my life. You had this one of a kind, unmistakable, unforgettable laugh. I can replay your laugh over and over in my head and it still makes me smile. Even as a little toddler, you were so hyper and cute. You were always so joyful and full of life! You devoured life! I’ve never seen such a happy kid!

I’m so glad that you haven’t changed. You are still the happiest most enthusiastic kid. I love that about you. You still laugh harder than anyone I know. You laugh with your head back and your mouth wide open and with your whole body. Those days when you wake up before everyone else and everyone is trying to sleep, I can hear your roaring laughter and I can’t even get mad at you for waking me up. I’m just glad you’re happy. You have such a sweet heart. You forgive daddy when he messes up. You are so loving and accepting of your daddy.

I’m not sure I’ve told you this but I want to say thank you for being who you are. My life is better because you are in it.

When your mom and I divorced I worried about how it would affect you. I prayed that you and your brothers would be protected from the usual effects of divorce. I have always known how much you love me and how much you wanted me around, and it was always important for me to be around because I wanted you to be happy. I needed to know that you were happy. Thankfully your mom and I worked hard to make that happen. I’m so thankful to God for his grace over our entire situation. Boy if you only knew how much God loves you….but that’s a talk for another day. Today this is my love letter to you. Man I just remember how crazy you always were about your daddy. And at age 10 you still are.

You make me feel important. You make me feel like my life matters. Collin, you make me so happy. And I love you so much.

You don’t know this, but before you were born your daddy was crazy. For a few years after you were born your daddy was still crazy. But you (and your brothers) inspired me to change. I’m a better person today because of you (and your brothers too). I just didn’t want to disappoint you. And I hope that I haven’t. And that fear of disappointing you still drives me today. You didn’t know it, but you motivated me to grow up and work hard and be better than I thought I ever could be. I hope one day your children do the same thing for you.

My boy, I’m glad that you were pleased with how your birthday turned out. I hope we will continue to be the best of friends into your teenage and adult years. And even if we drift apart a little bit, I hope you know that I will always love you, no matter what. I will always care about you. I will always be there for you. I am on your side forever.

Love, Dad