5 Lists I Am Not On Board With

I am being listed to death.

I open my Facebook every day inundated with how to’s and what not to’s. The craziness is I have started to read these god forsaken lists and have thought from time to time. Yup, this is going to help me. Maybe I will parent, run, work, lose weight or I dunno — dance better?

You list writers are sneaky; you even had me believing in your silly ten-steps-to-a-better-you.

Wait … you almost had me. I was in like that Flynn guy everyone keeps referring to when they are so wholeheartedly “into” something.

You get the point I was falling for the bullshit!

I may get in a bit of trouble here for saying so but come-the-fuck-on guys. We are better than this. As readers, bloggers, writers and humans alike aren’t we a tad bit smarter than these lists?

Okay, let me back up the truck here for a second. I like lists; I do. Just not the hey-guess-what-I-am-smarter-than-you lists. The ones that tell me I am doing it all wrong, this is why I am single lists. Or the, 10 Awesome Steps to a Happier, healthier baby list.

What the actual fuck?

I have parented a baby, twice in fact, and NOPE your list’s are a bunch of straight-up-bullshit. There is no list that helped me when I was crying in the corner covered in feces wondering why I ever got pregnant in the first place. Life doesn’t work like that. There will never be an easy way out. There will never be a list for that!

These are the lists I want to shove down the mightier than thous’ throat.

PLEASE get the irony that this post is a LIST.

1) 10 Steps To Happiness

Are you fucking kidding me? Does It only take ten steps? Well shit, how stupid am I? Seriously though if I follow your ten steps, will I end up on a tropical Island with a cabana boy feeding me a slushy drink for the rest of my life? If so I am on board for that type of list. Unfortunately, this list does not exist, happiness comes from acceptance of yourself, but I know you guys are smarter than this. It should go unsaid.

2) 10 Ways to Save Money

I self-admittedly have tried this one. I am broke. The. End.

But seriously, is this list made for all the rich people? I am a Mom of two teenagers there isn’t a list that covers, hey guess what those two kids are going to ask you for $20 a day, and you only make $90 a day. Times that by two and you are up shit creek without a paddle.

Fuck you and your list telling me to put that 2$ I was going to spend on coffee in a jar and see how much I save at the end of the year. That 2$ I don’t put in a jar is the only reason I can afford gas some days.

3) 10 Ways To Get The Guy You Like

HA-Fucking-HA! First off, this is a load of bullshit. Please, ladies, stop working so hard at getting ANYONE to like you. You are strong, smart and worthy all on your own. There isn’t a list that is going to make someone like you better. You need to know what you want and what you are worthy of, fuck the list, a boy wrote it!

4) 10 Ways To Lose Belly Fat / 10 Ways To Lose Weight

The sneaky-est list of all; most everyone wants to look better, so this list is the one I despise most of all. This list should be called, how to pray on the insecure. There are many ways to lose weight/belly fat, and not one of them includes taking the diet pill or the supplement that this list is promoting (in turn getting paid for to write.) Losing weight comprises of two things; diet and exercise. Plain. And. Simple.

5) 10 Ways To Be a Better Parent

Shut the F up! This list infuriates me. If one more parent on the internet tells me in list form how I could parent better, I may or may not lose my god-damn-mind! Come on Peeps, it’s time we realized we are all in the same boat. Does any of us really know what we are doing? I say hell-to-the-no. I struggle each day, as do you. PU-LEEEZE stop telling me I could do it better if I read your list!

Lists are good for groceries and planning simple tasks, but they are not made for human beings. Lists are not going to make us better.

Originally published at blogirl.info on July 6, 2015.

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