A state of turbulence

Life has become some uncertain, from making some choices to undertaking some options. As I sit down to work today, there are couple of thoughts that will guide my action today.

Thoughts are as different as choosing a life partner to what I shall eat in Lunch today. So starting off I decided on a simple meal for lunch and placed an order at the office canteen. Another thought I have is that my immediate supervisor is busy and not in office today which will hamper my growth at work. But I feel I would rather work on my thesis funding grant proposal.

And then another thing is that he keeps running in my head showing me possibilities of near future. Talked to his mom, she was so convincing and sweet. She really understands her son in and out.

I have been so occupied this whole weekend in getting over the turbulence that it has now created a different set of turbulence in my stomach. I am hungry but I dont feel like eating. I have suddenly got conscious about my looks and weight as I feel I would be graded upon them now. There will be people who would be objectifying and watching If I fit in. I really wish to go and stay alone on the Himalayas and open up a spa. Good Idea! may be I should get a spa. Would help me relax.

I believe with age one needs conformity in life as well. And that reminds me of Maslow’s Need Hierarchy Theory. In life when we get over with fulfilling our basic needs and social needs, and love as well. In life then we aspire for security and less uncertainties in life. I wish I had a magic wand and I could swirl it once and get everyone satisfied and happy.

I have such mixed emotions currently.

I am nervous if people would like me or if others are already hating me. It does bother me what people think of me. With a guy who assures me that he would still be with me and loves me for who I am, I guess I miss in my life. I have always been with people who accept me, nor with someone who would change me to fit in. I am sure I am very adjusting as a personality trait but who doesn’t want a change less life. I crave for a happy news ! Some things are stuck some are over, I wish I get through and come out with beautiful colors. Feeling like an egg in a cocoon. Getting another birth. Another set of people. Different choices similar dreams.