How do I spot a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist on a first date?
Recognizing a narcissist is a learned skill, like learning a foreign language. Once your brain learns the patterns, it’s easy, but it takes a long time to get there. I’ll try to give specific examples of things to look for, but the main thing is to trust your spidy sense that something is “off.” You may not know what, but you’ll sense there’s something weird about the interaction.
The biggest problem in dealing with those who have personality disorders is the lack of empathy. That’s the thing you want to focus on.
A narcissist can easily give you lots of attention, but they don’t have empathy to give, and it’s not easy for them to fake it.
They don’t have the ability to make a real emotional connection. They can mirror you, but it’s absolutely not the same thing as a real emotional connection. You can easily sense the difference if you’re attentive.
The mirroring will feel weird, but it’s pleasant, because they’re mirroring back yourself. It’s like they’re making you fall in love with yourself.
As a test on a first date you could share with them some unpleasant experience you have had. Of course, on a first date, you don’t want anything too heavy (although a narcissist wouldn’t mind, but you don’t want to frighten away normal dates), so think of some unpleasant experience that’s not heavy; it can be anything, from battling with traffic to not getting a good night’s sleep.
An empathetic person will hear what you are saying, understand your pain, keep the spotlight on you for as long as you want.
A narcissist can be very charming and pleasant, but they won’t do what I just said. Instead they will smile pleasantly, nod their head, and tell you some similar story about themselves, probably one that tops yours. You can just about bet that they will switch the topic to themselves.
I say just about because they’re are exceptions. Some narcissists are great listeners, or apparent listeners (as they couldn’t care less about what you’re saying if you’re talking about yourself, except to store away clues as to how they can abuse you in the future), and will push you to say more and more about yourself.
But even here the experience won’t be normal. It will either be no empathy (switch the topic to themselves) or over the top. You won’t get a normal, empathetic response.
You could try to ask a narcissist what he’s so-so at. Narcissists abhor mediocrity. They’re all or nothing. They’ll either brag about being good at X, or they don’t care at all about X. There’s no in between.
You could ask them something they feel remorse about.
You could ask them something they’re grateful for.
Narcissists don’t experience gratitude or remorse, or any mature emotions. You can find out what the more mature emotions are and make up your own test questions. Grief, compassion and disinterested love are a few more that come to mind.
You could ask them what movies they like. This is absolutely not a for sure test, as it only goes one way, but if they like a movie which involves empathy (any movie, like Casablanca, which involves a relationship) they’re likely not a narcissist. If they only like horror movies, or action movies, movies that only involve sensations and no emotions, that’s a *possible* sign.
Ask them about their childhood, if you can make that flow in the conversation. They’re all or nothing. Either it’s an idyllic childhood with no problems (a lie), or an unhappy one where they were traumatized or abused (very likely true). Narcissists like sympathy, so they easily tell you the truth about a difficult childhood. You’re looking for all or nothing.
You can do the same thing with virtually any subject. Ask them about school, or work, their family, anything, and look for responses that are normal to weed out a first date as a possible narcissist. From a narcissist it will always be hot or cold; never mundane, average, or normal.
Those are a few ideas, but to protect yourself from abuse, the best way is to learn to recognize empathy. There are other abusers besides narcissists, but one thing they all have in common is a lack of empathy.
