MY FIRST MATCH.COM DATE

C. Tea
C. Tea
Sep 4, 2018 · 3 min read

Disclaimer: I LOVE RED FLAGS. In fact, I like to collect them all! Don’t be like me and walk away when you see the 1st and 2nd flags 💀 Also, I PAID FOR THIS SERVICE Y’ALL. I really thought I’d get a quality candidate, but I should have known better…

1st Flag: this man only had one photo on his profile and his name is a body of water. But I figured, “Hey, I shouldn’t be judgmental, he is after all from Asia and some Asian names are sometimes a little funny if directly translated” (this is not racist, I am Chinese and my name directly translated is also a little funny).

2nd Flag: After face-timing (for verification of course), we agreed that we would meet after I was done with brunch, BUT did not agree on what we will do and that he’ll decide when we see each other. SUSPICIOUS.

3rd Flag: He don’t text me all between the days of us face-timing and meeting. LIKE WHERE YOU AT HOMIE? ARE WE STILL DOING THIS? I NEED SOME CONFIRMATION.

4th Flag: He ended up showing up earlier than planned so I was totally rushed. And when I did come down, he was dressed like a dad about to go fishing while I was in slightly revealing summer dress and heeled wedges (San Francisco has been blessed with great weather recently). I told myself, “I shouldn’t be judgmental. He’s probably a casual dresser.”

5th Flag: He then proceeds to ask if I wanted to go to Half Moon Bay which is like a 45–60min drive south. I was mildly concerned about not ever returning, but danger is my middle name.

6th Flag: Half way into the drive, he starts making inappropriate jokes about how I’m old and will be leftover woman if I were to wait another 5 years to think about getting married and having kids. AT THIS POINT, I KNEW I FUCKED UP. I should not have agreed to go to HMB. IT WAS ALSO TOO LATE. I’m already in the car and not anywhere where I can ask him to pull over and get me out so I can go home. I was also not about to pay for an Uber ride back into SOMA.

We then proceed to go to a fish market which was actually cool since I’ve never been, but I was not appropriately dressed. It was wet and slippery, and I could have easily ruined my J-Crew (factory) dress. He then decides we’ll go to San Mateo for dinner, which thankfully is on the way home and a familiar area for me. He said we’ll walk around and decide on a restaurant that looks good. So we walked… walked… and walked. I was praying I would not run into anyone I knew because this man was too young to be my dad, but too old to be my date. We ended up going to a Japanese supermarket where I got my choice of a mochi ball and a drink (WOW SO GENEROUS *sarcasm) and after 40 min, I told him I needed to get home to feed the dog (this is the truth).

This is the hook line sinker ya’ll.

As I declined dinner on our way back to SF, he was like “you know, you’d look a lot better if you lost some weight” BRUHHHHHH as if I don’t already know. We said our goodbyes in the car and he went in for a hug AND a kiss. WHAT EVEN IN THE HELL? Of course, I quickly jumped out and ran back into my apartment (side door, not main entrance so he won’t know where I live) and never looked back.

LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME.

Lessons learned: it’s ok to be judgmental and have standards. If you know you’re not about the fishing gear life and getting in a car with strangers with someone who looks old enough to be your uncle, IT’S OK TO SAY NO.

C. Tea

Written by

C. Tea

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