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I tell myself same when I have suicidal ideation. Basically, Why I gotta keep suffering so that they don’t have to grieve the loss or me? So that they don’t have to do their own fucking shadow work and process the inevitable guilt that they let me down and therefore it’s their fault that I killed myself.

It’s a mindfuck I fell for for too long — that their guilt or shame or whatever is mine to carry.

But it kept me around all this time. When my mom died, I thought, Well fuck me running, that’s that. She was the person — when all else failed — for whom I was living.

Now, I can either live to save my dad from guilt… or I can live for my damn self and well, fuck him. He either wants to be in my life or not.

He can be cremated with his fucking money. I’m done dancing like a puppet on a string tryna to please the unpleasable….

Apologies for the rant.

And this is why I write under a thinly disguised pseudonym. Bc I haven’t been brave enough to say that to him yet.

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