My Ticket Outta Here

collage by DaveA

(read aloud)

We’ve known each other so long now, my god, what is it twenty-six years? Ever since you sent me that first chain letter. Yeah, haha, chain letters...you sent me so many! You must’ve had me on your short, like I had you on mine! But we never did that cyclic vortex thing of sending each other the same letter back and forth, did we? Haha, I sent you a lot of chain letters, too, huh?! Yeah, those were the days. And mailing in contest entries, I won a lot of contests, back then. Okay, Ed McMahon never came knocking on the door, but a few decent local prizes like the trip to Cancun that we cashed in instead and got a whopping $2,300. Had to pay tax on that, noone thinks of that, do they? And a bunch of local restaurant gift dinners. Haha, I remember the first raffle I won back when I was 17, won $100 in liquor in a policeman athletic association raffle. Didn’t even remember buying the ticket until I won! They didn’t blink in eye about handing over all that booze! Yeah, I told you that one already? I know, I know. Getting senile in my middle age. Hahaha.

Well, here’s the thing I’ve got some great news to tell you! I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d want to share this with, so lemme just run this by you because, well, something really big came in the mail the other day. No, no, not email, real mail. Analog mail as my kid calls it. Kid, ha. He’s thirty-two now, some kid. So anyway, I got this letter the other day, and it’s pretty amazing. But like I said, I need a little help on this. I didn’t, oh, well here’s the thing, I guess, I need… to… bor…row… fivethousanddollas. Yeah, Yeah, I know it’s a lot, but it’d only be for literally one day. And it wouldn’t even have to be in cash or in hand or anything, it can be a simple bank transfer, and after that day, I send it right back to your bank. Literally one day. Next business day I call you up after things post, then get online and send it right back to you.

I know I know, it sounds weird, it is weird, but, well, it’s, it’s actually really kind of amazing. Oh, sure, sure, I’ll explain, but you think you can do this? It really means a lot to me, and when the smoke all clears I won’t forget you, I mean, I don’t want to jinx it, but I’ll definitely make it worth your hassle.

But yeah, right, so here’s what’s happening, I got this letter the other day, Yeah, snail mail, old school, from one of the old chain letter list names, and she told me she had a fantastic situation going on. Yeah, she, Mary Caldwell. From Savannah, yeah, you remember her? Sure, I sent her dozens of chains. Well, she’s got this amazing estate escrow deal going on with a dead aunt of hers. Her aunt left her 16 million dollars, but only if she can show that she’s not a deadbeat loser. Yeah, nice aunt. So the will stipulates she has to have 10 grand in the bank and if she has that, she can collect her 16 mill. Yeah, weird, right? But thing is, Mary hasn’t got 10 grand. And she’s got no family, her friends are broke, she just had some hospital issues, yeah hospitals suck, and so she’s reaching out to anyone she can. Yeah, well, I guess she wanted to reach out to people like me who she knows. You’re probably next on her list, hahaha. Well, yeah, and I’m putting up the other five thousand. I wish I had the whole ten, but I don’t.

So what she says is that she just needs the bank to show the money for the day she’d have the executor check her account, and then we’re set. She says within the day we’d have our money back, and in two days she’d have hers, and in three, she’d send out a commission check for $250,000. Yep, and haha, in four days, I send you $125,000 by bank tranfer, and we’re both laughing our way to the mall!

What do you think, sounds great, right? And it’s foolproof because the money never leaves the banks. What? Nooo, I don’t think this some junk mail scam, No one does analog scams! All that postage would be too expensive! And besides, We know Mary and you know me. It’s gonna be fine, just fine! What’s your email, I’ll send you the account number.