North Carolina to Ban Male Dogs that Pee Like Girls

RALEIGH, NC — During an emergency session this past week, North Carolina’s legislature passed a new law banning male dogs that squat to urinate from entering public parks. The state passed the Park and Pee Security Act in an effort to prevent children from exposure to dogs relieving themselves abnormally.

Sheriff Jim Meblatt of rural Maybilly testified before the legislature about how the packs of incontinent and sexually immoral canines came to terrorize his town. “It all began with this one boy dog that peed like a girl. The other dogs see it and then they do it,” Meblatt explained, pausing to dry tears from his eyes. “He recruited the rest of the dogs and my town fell apart in just a few weeks. Everywhere you go dogs are peeing and my mind is racing…is that the way he should be peeing? I’m staring, thinking where are his balls? Is that a bitch or is he neutered? It’s a nightmare.”

The bill also prevents female dogs from lifting their legs to pee, but author of the bill, Republican Senator Chet Martin noted, “I ain’t never seen it t’ other way around.” Senator Martin argued the law is necessary to fight a bigger agenda, “There’s a whole homosexual contingent out there that has warped people’s views on pets. You can dress your male dog in a tutu and that’s okay. You can put your dog in a sundress with a straw hat or make him a leather slave with chains and nipple tassels and no one says anything. Just ‘cute dog you’ve got there!’ That’s not how it should be. When a child grows up seeing dogs exposing their buttholes and walking around with tennis balls jammed in their mouths it changes him. He starts to think ‘maybe using a ball gag is fun. Maybe I could be a gimp.’ That’s not right.”

Protesters appealed to have the legislation tabled, but it was signed after only a few hours of debate. NC Governor Jed McGuffaw rebutted those who believed the legislation was rushed, “I took a long hard look at the bill. I really squinted at it.”

Many believe the governor is trying to divert attention from the so-called “Whippet scandal” after several hundred aerosol whip cream cans were discovered in the trash bins at the NC governor’s mansion. The governor disagreed, “The idea that I created a controversial dog law just so it’s harder to do a search for the phrase ‘Whippet Scandal’ without getting a bunch of mugshots of small greyhounds that pee weird is ludicrous. Dogs are an essential part of the state’s moral fabric and their behavior needs to be controlled. Besides, I keep telling you those whip cream cans were for eating only. For me every day is sundae,” he said, trying to wink.

Professor Emeritus Edgar Samuels of North Carolina’s Veterinary and Zoological University in Raleigh tried to shed more light on the issue, “Is a dog’s peeing stance related to its gender identity or sexual orientation and is it a serious threat to society? I wish I could answer that, but I can’t because I’m so upset right now. I just got a speeding ticket for going 66 in a 65. Can you believe it? One mile over! What is this, Virginia? I was coming home from Snoopy’s and I didn’t want my food to get cold.”

A spokesperson for the prominent NC restaurant chain Snoopy’s did not wish to comment when asked about the legislation, “Don’t bring us into this! Just because the last guy ate here you’re asking me? You know our mascot is not Snoopy, it’s a hot dog dressed like Mr. Peanut. That’s as close as we get to dogs and we don’t need any more heat coming down from Charles Schultz’s people. We get enough flak just for ripping off Char-Grill.”

The NC Chapter of the LGBTQPBR$ Chamber of Commerce is looking into the economic impact the bill and other anti-equal rights legislation is having on the state. Teva recently abandoned plans for a new sandal outlet in Carrboro, NC. Additionally, several companies have issued concerns about what a pain in the ass it is to cancel investments just to save face.

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