Instagram Captions To Use When Posting The First Picture Of A Person You Are Newly Dating

Okay, you’ve been dating that new person for 5 weeks (but the first two didn’t even really count because they went on vacation with their parents for 8 days immediately following your first date) and things are starting to get good. The texting is unreal and you two share the exact same opinions about David Lynch (whatever it may be, you agree 100%, and no matter what, you can both admit that Blue Velvet is a masterpiece). You’re even cleaning your room more often. You’re also finding yourselves going out all the time, sometimes in some places with KILLER lighting, and that means you’ve been snapping some pics.

But you haven’t posted any of them yet because that would be weird, right? It’s too soon, yeah? What would you even say? You want to remain casual for a little while longer and you don’t want everyone freaking out that you’re in a relationship already because “it’s not even official yet we’re still just hanging out and stuff leave me alone shut up!” That’s why you need a perfect caption locked and loaded for that moment when you snap a shot of them holding a slowly melting ice cream cone or posing demurely under some neon lights at a bullshit art exhibit you overpaid for, or the two of you at dusk at your favorite beach looking super casual and cool and very noncommittal to mask the shit eating grin you’ll bust into as soon as the timer goes off. I’m here to help.

That’s why I’m providing some GREAT go-to captions to use for that pivotal first Instagram. If you don’t use one of these, you’re in danger of letting people know that you’re actually totally blissed out with someone for the first time since Greg left the West Coast for law school, or since Amanda decided she couldn’t commit long term, or all the way back to last spring when that married couple decided that it was fun and you’ll always have a special place in their heart and that trip to Mexico was amazing but they’re never going to invest in that California King bed and it’s probably time for them to end “this little experiment.” All of these captions are vetted, foolproof, and 100% free. Have at them:

“Eh, she’s/he’s okay I guess.”

This is gold. A BIT of a neg without being mean, this caption is best paired with an EXTREMELY flattering picture and a subtle filter, preferably at an outdoor event where you pay to watch a movie in a place that’s very uncomfortable to watch a movie.

“Having a terrible time.”

The only choice for a picture taken at a highly anticipated concert/movie/black tie event. The key is to provide an image that conveys the exact opposite of this caption for maximum irony.

“Two idiots.”

A modern classic. A sarcastic put-down to the both of you and to the concept of love in general. Who cares! We’re stupid! Holy shit I never noticed that one strand of hair that’s lighter than the rest — nope nevermind! What dummies! What a bunch of stupid dingdongs!

“I have no idea who this person is.”

Now, of course you know who this person is, and your followers know too, because you’ve been boomeranging them in your Instagram story without tagging them for a solid month (*this is the only acceptable way to post this person before you have the “what are we?” talk). This is why it’s perfect. They make their debut on your feed and you say you don’t know who they are? Well played, my friend.

[a description of something in the background of the photo, totally neglecting to mention the person you’re dating]

OH you sly motherfucker! You’re going to say something about the awning of the building behind the person you’re falling for instead of describing them? You’re going to say “I tried to take a picture of this shark but some amorphous blob was blocking my view” when you’re at the aquarium? My my. You really are a casual and cool person who is not thinking 11 steps ahead, are you?

[NO CAPTION AT ALL]

Let them figure it out. They’ll realize soon enough when you post all those hiking pics from that Portland trip you’ve already started talking about. Let it hang there in the wind for a while. What do you care? (**actually you clearly care very very very very deeply but we won’t tell anyone. Your secret’s safe!)

[Peach emoji]

This is a horny caption. You’re running a risk here, and that risk is that everyone’s going to know you’re having a sexy adventure with an attractive new person with a cool butt. If you’re okay with strangers knowing that you didn’t get out of bed until 4:30pm last Saturday, you have my blessing to go for it.

“We’re dating.”

What? No. This is suicide. Why would you do this? Why would you say something genuine on social media NO STOP IT DON’T DO IT EVERYONE’S GONNA KNOW! Have you learned nothing? I tried to warn you. Oh wow, you did it. It’s too late not.

Well, the band aid’s off now. Enjoy those Sunday trips to Ikea, and don’t forget to post a pic of you eating lingonberries or meatballs or 20 cent hot dogs. Good luck assembling that desk together! No seriously, good luck, because you’re definitely going to get in a fight.