People You Run Into At Brunch
It’s a small world, and if you go out to brunch in your neighborhood you’re bound to run into some people you know. Here is a list of those people.
- Your significant other’s coworker who wants to talk about that insane day at the office last week but you weren’t there for it so you say nothing and just politely stand there not knowing what to do with your hands and you spend the whole conversation fake smiling and trying not to look at your phone.
- The cute server whose dating profile you saw once and decided to message because “life’s too short” but they never responded so you spend the whole meal being super polite but also trying to convey an aloof charm that just comes off like you have a weird facial tick and you leave thinking “maybe they didn’t recognize me, my hair’s different now.”
- Your pseudo-friend whose show/party/solstice celebration you bailed on the night before so you have to think of an excuse but you’re clearly hungover due to the gravy-based food you’re eating and they mention that they saw an Instagram of you from the night before looking like you were at a party and you consider shrugging and saying “latergram?”
- Whoever you were having a loud and disparaging conversation about who invariably appears at the table behind you, leading you to speculate if A. They heard the whole thing B. They were only there toward the end. C. They couldn’t hear because the place is loud, or D. They were summoned there by the Greek Goddess of Comeuppance. Either way, yikes.
- A minor/moderate celebrity from say a cable show or a lesser band or a documentary, someone obscure enough to keep you questioning whether or not you know them or if you just recognize them by their incremental fame level, causing you to gawk at them the whole time in your periphery, making you wish you had shark eyes on the side of your head.
- A perfect hip young couple with the cutest dog and baby combo wearing matching workout gear and kissing like they’re still in love, appearing happy, affluent, put-together and capable of anything, leaving you to wonder how this level of perfection is even remotely possible and speculating what eerie dark secrets lie beneath the surface.
- Gary. Fuckin’ Gary, man. Ugh.