Things haven’t always been this way. I wonder when and why it all started.
A series of events, I suppose, an incident of rejection, hate, jealousy perhaps. It doesn’t matter now. It’s been a slow long drawn out process.
A process that repeats itself, like a wave crashing on the shore, or more like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
Again and again and again.
Why do I do this? Build myself up, taking on an exciting new challenge and then shining for a few moments then, in different ways, self-sabotaging my happiness and burning to the ground. Making stupid choices. Making bad decisions. …
The Patient Experience #3: A Difficult Diagnosis
When I was 23, I had my bloodwork done because people around me, gay men, young, handsome, bright men, were dying and the only indicator of why people were dying at the time was found in the blood.
I went to the Doctor to get my results during my lunch break at work. …
I was stargazing tonight
and noticed that Orion was in the same spot
as he was when I moved two years ago.
I’d like to say that I’ve gone full circle
but it sometimes feels like
I am just spinning around in circles
again and again.
From May 20, 2011
Remember the things in life that are important to you and ignore the distractions that separate me from them. There are things, places, spaces, times where I find my happiness, my connections to others, to my healthy and loving self. I am happy when I move forward, guided by purpose.
Love. Don’t give up on finding it. That connection where we tell each other our stories, we live in them together and we move forward and create new stories together. Sharing, observing. Being there.
Friends who don’t give up or judge. Friends who will draw me in when I start to pull myself away; or drift, or when I cannot break free from something that I am chained to. …
pRESS sTAR (Life before the # key)
You used to call me on the telephone
that thing they call the landline now
we used to lie back and talk for hours
lying on the ground with our legs up against the wall
and looking at the ceiling as if it had stars
and we would get together when we wanted
instead of when we can.
Then you got a cell phone and you hardly ever call
and I hear more about you via text now then from your emails
and it feels I hardly ever see you anymore
it seems like we’re finding ways of creating distance
and making it easy to grow apart.
There is a part of me
that is afraid that I will be
that kind of person
that falls off the radar
and people will look back
and for a moment they will regret
that they could have done more
to help me get better.
Ode To A Hermit Thrush
Some say it’s just luck, I think it’s awareness that holds the key.
Earlier today, something caught my eye quite by chance.
I caught a glimpse of a hermit thrush
perched nearby on the sycamore branch.
Later I would see him upon the window ledge.
Feeling present and being relaxed is more than happenstance.
We exchanged nods knowingly
and I could see the world in his eyes during the glance..
Peace of mind and peace in this world
can happen when man versus the environment becomes a dance.
Here I am on my 51st, birthday and at times it has felt like a long hard journey and at other times it’s been one hell of a pit stop.
As I reflect, as I stand still and as I look ahead I know that I have the wisdom of lived experience and I still have hope and I know that life is full of ups and downs, and for me, the downs are a place I have never gotten truly stuck in. …
The Day Of The Living Goldfinch
Yesterday started off innocently enough with me sitting in the backyard with my coffee and journal when a male goldfinch suddenly landed on the peak of the hibiscus plant about two metres from me, puffing himself up, chirping with bravado and staring me down, with me half expecting him to break into song “Who’s Zooming Who?”. He moved to the bramble of raspberry canes equidistant from me and then to the top of the railing of the steps that lead to the basement within reach of me.
I looked backed at him and grunted, “hmmm, show off”. …
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