Here I am on my 51st, birthday and at times it has felt like a long hard journey and at other times it’s been one hell of a pit stop.
As I reflect, as I stand still and as I look ahead I know that I have the wisdom of lived experience and I still have hope and I know that life is full of ups and downs, and for me, the downs are a place I have never gotten truly stuck in. As I age, I struggle with hope but now that I’ve said that I think it’s less age and more about what I see going on in the world around me.
The one true thing I know is that I am here, and I am able to locate joy, even if it has, as it does, at times fall out of my back pocket.
What do I want?
I want to pull over for a while, get out of the car, have a picnic and relax, stay a while.
Life is starting to feel a bit too much like a quest and I want more of those moments, those extended disco remix moments of saying “I’m good here for now, I don’t need anything more, my hunger is filled, my pains no longer ache and I just want to stay where I am right now, put my feet into the water, let them dangle, look for minnows, listen for bullfrogs and just be.”
I’m finding that harder to do that I would like, but at the same time I am smarter at knowing what I want and clearing the clutter of the obstacle course. Some things in life are just not worth the finance.
The there that I want is already here, it’s just some of the stuff that is here, I would rather be over there.
I’ve been enjoying the last few weeks with road trips to the Shaw Festival, the Butterfly Conservatory and more on the agenda, including a fun day ahead and more fun days ahead.
I’d like to thank those that read my blog, for some time I compartmentalized these connections as they were only virtual but with time I know that I have created true friendships with some of you, and many of you have helped me from taking the shopping cart of life that has the wheels that are always crooked to a different cart that took me in a straight and purposeful direction.
Fly Harlon fly.
I’ve also been sleeping a lot because I am in a lot of pain or it feels like there is too much time ahead of me in the day and I can’t kill that time, so I sleep through it. It seems like a gentler way of getting through things, yet it conflicts with my desire to be present.
The sleep that I find myself present in can be turned around so that the dreams that I find myself in whilst sleeping are no longer dreams, they are my reality and I am living the dream.
I can do it.
I already am.
Sometimes I just don’t know it.
Sometimes I feel like I am just trying to understand and other times I get it. In this crazy mish-mash we call our mind, it always feels like I am trying. Six of one, half dozen of the other.
The devil may care, but I don’t care much for him, so I am off to the races; to better places and sometimes that may mean, a few steps forward, a few steps back because I am already here.
Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.