The 3 Fundamentals of Psychology
Three simple psychology tips and tricks to manipulate, influence and win friends.
How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is one of the best-selling books of all time. Despite being almost 100 years old, it is still a staple in the development of psychology, and contains facts which are true to this day. In this article I will summarise the first three “fundamentals” of the book, which can benefit you in every day life, make you more likeable and help you get your own way.
1 — Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
This chapter opens by explaining that criminals rarely blame themselves for their actions, usually blaming others, or making up other excuses, saying that the punishment is unfair.
This trait isn’t just found it criminals, almost every person in their day to day life will see others partly at fault for their own actions. They will try to rationalise, saying their action wasn’t unjust, or wasn’t as bad as people make it out to be.
Criticism is useless for many reasons. It causes people to be defensive, like shown above, they will try to argue, saying it’s not their fault, or claim that you’re over-reacting. Criticism hurts peoples pride, and makes them feel less important, thus building resentment towards the criticiser.
To ensure people follow rules without making them hate you, rewarding them for “good” behaviours will have lasting effects. Showing appreciation or giving them a sense of importance whenever they do something right will cause them to continue doing that “right” thing, for a long time.
2 — Give Honest And Sincere Appreciation
The only way to make somebody do something is by making them want to do it. Every action you’ve ever did is because you wanted to do it. Sure, you can make somebody want to give you all their money by putting a gun to their head. You’ve got to want to do something before you do it.
Humans have a desire to be great, this is one of the two key motives that our actions are determined by. The Desire To Be Great and your sex drive cause most of our decisions, and shape how we act, and what we become.
Children will join gangs because of their desire to be great, others will work hard, trying to become rich, and famous, wanting to be at the top. The desire to be great is what is causing me to write this article just now, as I want to be remembered and appreciated by other people.
People will go insane looking for some appreciation. It’s rare today for people to give genuine, nice appreciation. Many people will compliment people on things to make them feel better, but rarely on the things that actually matter. No bosses give appreciation when you finish your 8 hour shift after working tirelessly all day. They’ll only criticise you on the things you didn’t do. This is why people usually hate their boss.
Appreciation is different from compliments. Appreciation is showing recognition for good qualities in people, and thanking them for it. Compliments are praising people usually for how they look. Neither are bad, but there is an important difference, in how they make a person feel. If you show appreciation in your daily life, you will become a lot more likeable.
3 — Arouse In The Other Person An Eager Want
Others don’t want the same things as you. This is very important to remember if you’re trying to persuade somebody to do something for you.
Like mentioned before, the only way to make somebody do something is to make them want to do it. When you try to persuade somebody to do something, don’t rabbit on about how much it would help you, tell them how it would help them.
Want somebody to invite you to a party? Don’t sit and tell them how much it would mean to you, that it’d make your day, bla bla bla. Tell them how you’re friendly and can make the party more exciting, or how you can bring along some beer, or the speakers you’ve got that can blast music better than anybody else’s. Chances are, they care about what you can do for their party, not what they can do for you.
View things from the other persons perspective, if you were them what would you want. This is a key skill in advertising, being able to tell what other people are after, and sell your product to them based on what they want.
Like mentioned in the last chapter, people want a sense of importance or appreciation. Thanking people for what they’re already doing for you before you explain how what you want can benefit them as well is a great way to ensure the person will agree with you.
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