An Open Letter to Women (Including My Ex-Girlfriend Jessica)

Dear Women (Including My Ex-Girlfriend Jessica),

We need to talk.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of all men. Hate to say it guys, but we have to own up to the fact that we can be downright stupid sometimes. Whether it’s not listening enough, forgetting anniversaries, or draining our joint savings accounts after getting swept up in a deceptive multi-level marketing scheme, it’s safe to say that men can be pretty darn thickheaded!

When it comes down to it, men and women — including my ex-girlfriend Jessica — are just wired differently. Women love to shop; men love to watch football. Women love to get brunch; men love to drink beer. Women love to talk about their feelings; and men sometimes respond to a convincing email from an “entrepreneur” named Cody who makes an honestly pretty compelling claim that it’s possible to make over $78 an hour by working from home selling açaí berry energy drinks.

Yes, the battle of the sexes is a tale as old as time. Some of the folks reading this might remember the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. And boy, let me tell you, it does sometimes feel like men and women — a group that includes Jessica, my ex-girlfriend — are from warring planets where the women’s planet is now completely ignoring the men’s planet because the men’s planet gave out his social security number and made an honest mistake that anybody could have fallen for.

And speaking of books, all you need to do is look at any man or woman’s bookshelf to see just how different the two genders can be. You’ll notice that women love “sentimental” stuff: Eat, Pray, Love, or something from Oprah’s Book Club. Meanwhile, you might find us guys reading something “tough” or “macho” like the E-book Welcome to the New You: Cody Lightning’s Six Step Guide to Fast Cash and Overnight Millions from the Comfort of Your Own Pajamas. Some men might have even paid $64.99 for the premium edition which included the exclusive PDF download “Mortgage Secrets and Loopholes: What Wall Street Doesn’t Want You to Know!” Yes indeed, men and women, including my ex-girlfriend Jessica, are simply driven by different things, and there’s nothing wrong with that!

Men and women are allowed to be different — it’s what keeps things interesting. In fact, it’s the differences in our respective psychologies that draw us to each other. Fellas, your wife may pay $200 for a pair of shoes, which might seem totally crazy to you. And ladies, your husband might pay $930 to attend a seminar and networking event guaranteed to boost profits in his naturopathic energy drink business at the Newark Airport Holiday Inn, which might seem totally crazy to you. But what we need to realize is that the mysterious ways of the opposite sex, while they can be frustrating, are no reason to move out of your boyfriend’s apartment and go stay at your parents’ house.

The secret to men and women (like my ex-girlfriend Jessica for instance) forging a healthy relationship involves learning the three C’s: Compromise, Complement, and Call your boyfriend back please, he is sorry, and he promises he has a plan to make things right.

So guys: if your girlfriend takes forever to get ready before date night, give her a break. And gals (this includes you Jessica): if your boyfriend invests tens of thousands of dollars in a four year supply of unsellable energy drinks that are currently sitting in pallets in his living room, cut him some slack. As men, we’ll forgive you for packing way too much stuff in your suitcase, if you forgive us when some no good shyster named Cody whose email address no longer works smooth-talks us into paying $550 a month to join the Platinum Power Sellers™ Circle.