Coming Out As Polyamorous — What I’ve learned and how it’s made me a better communicator and a better spouse.

The first question you may have is “What is polyamory?” The site More Than Two has an excellent FAQ page that answers this much better than I could, but I will give my own definition:

Polyamory, a subset of ethical non-monogamy, is the belief that it is possible to love more than one person and that love for one person does not detract from the love of another. We intuitively understand the concept in relation to children or siblings, but for most of society the concept seems foreign when applied to romantic love.

There are real world constraints such as time that come into play (which also come into play in monogamous relationships, such as with a demanding career) however love itself is not a zero-sum resource and when invested properly spreading the love can result in more love, not just total, but also for each party involved.

How did this come about?

I think in a way I’ve always been polyamorous, even before I knew it as a term. I never believed in the idea of a “one true love” despite being a hopeless romantic in my youth (and still am in some ways). Probabilistically it just never made sense that out of the entire population there exists one single person that you’re meant to be with.

As far as opening up my marriage, it’s been something my wife and I had discussed several times over roughly 5 years. She was never opposed to it in concept, but with our first kid on the way and later a second one, the timing wasn’t quite right. As the kids got a little older and semi-independent, along with just having more time for our own relationship to develop, she eventually broached the idea of reading a book about it together, discussing it in more detail and actually moving forward with it.

How has this made me a better communicator?

One of the cornerstones of a successful polyamorous relationship is solid communication skills. Communication is important in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, but within the context of polyamory it becomes that much more critical. Ethical non-monogamy (a superset of polyamory that also encompasses “swinging”; swinging is more focused on the sexual aspect while polyamory is focused more on the emotional aspect) is built upon trust, which is the cornerstone of communication.

One of the first things you learn as you dive into the literature is that the idea of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy in general is based upon the concept of informed consent.

Beyond that, the rules are defined by people involved. In a relationship, like in a game, “cheating” is defined as breaking the rules.

For monogamous relationships, there are a loose set of rules defined by society which are in place even when not explicitly called out, because they are set implicitly by cultural norms. There may be certain “house rules” so to speak, but there is an underlying set of rules and assumptions defined by society.

For a polyamorous relationship there is a focus on having partners set their own rules, which involves talking about, defining, and refining rules in a way that works for the parties involved, rather than taking the off-the-shelf rule-book. If special rules in a monogamous relationship are like “house rules” for the same base game, a polyamorous relationships are more like completely different games (but generally within the same genre).

What does this look like in practice?

What this meant for my wife and me was having a honest conversation about what each of us was and wasn’t comfortable with. Both of us being new to this, as well as being generally open-minded and accepting, it was hard to think of specific questions to ask. So far our rules (which apply to both of us) have mostly boiled down to being safe. Sex is fine, falling in love is fine. Getting along with our metamours (a partner’s other partners) is preferred but not a hard requirement.

These rules will likely get refined over time as different circumstances come up, and we will do our best to err on the side of asking when unsure. One example that came up was whether a camping trip with an overnight stay was okay (it was). Even though it wasn’t specifically prohibited in our agreement, it still stood out as something that warranted discussion.

With my new relationship/friendship (we are still in the early stages of dating and it is still premature to call her my girlfriend) I’ve learned a lot about consent as it applies more broadly to non-sexual things, such as giving hugs or using terms of endearment. That lesson included a couple “I’m not comfortable with that yet, I wish you had asked first.” Rather than feeling restricting I’ve found the system of asking for permission liberating compared to the more traditional guessing game of when something feels appropriate and potentially having the partner feel uncomfortable without saying so because they aren’t comfortable with saying “no”.

Questioning Assumptions

Where communication often breaks down is through invalid assumptions. This learning experience is helping me to question many assumptions about relationships based on societal norms.

We all know the saying “When you assume, you make an ass out of ‘u’ and me.” (Yes I’m aware of the hypocrisy of that sentence) But so much of our lives are based on implicit assumptions we often aren’t even aware that we’re making.

There’s the assumption that we are “supposed” to be jealous when someone else makes our partner happy rather than feeling “compersion”, happiness for our partner’s happiness even if it comes from someone else.

There’s the assumption that’s woven into the fabric of our social, legal, and technical systems and beyond that a person has no more than one “significant other” that is one of the main source of “couple’s privilege” that put polyamorous people who aren’t engaged in a “primary” relationship at a disadvantage. (The terms “primary” and “secondary” are commonly used in the poly community to describe certain styles of polyamory but are themselves problematic)

How has this made me a better spouse?

The funny thing throughout my short experience so far is that my relationship with my wife has actually improved as a result of me seeing someone else.

How, you ask?

First the excitement and energy from engaging in a new relationship actually allows me to engage more fully with my wife. We had reached a steady comfortable plateau in our marriage, a healthy and loving, if not altogether exciting spot. The NRE, new relationship energy, has provided emotional power to all aspects of my life.

Next is seeing compersion (often described as the opposite of jealousy) from my wife after I have a date or other spike of happiness is an amazing feeling and basically triggers a chain-reaction of joy. As odd as it sounds, coming back from my first date and telling her about how well it went was the happiest I’ve seen her in a while, and as a result her happiness about my happiness pretty much put me in a euphoric state that is very likely the best I’ve ever felt.

Top that off with my new partner reporting that her relationship with one of her other partners shows similar improvement and it just makes everything amazing.

Now I’d be a fool to believe everything’s going to be rainbows and glitter forever. Life will always have its ups and downs, things change, etc etc. I just want to enjoy it for what it is, do my best to treat everyone well, and see what the future has in store.

This is currently and will probably remain the most personal post I make, but I wanted to share my experience and to spread awareness that such a lifestyle is possible. It isn’t for everyone, and in many ways it’s relationships on hard-mode as far as communication and conflict resolution skills are concerned. But from my perspective with the increased difficulty also comes greater rewards. Doing it well requires a fair amount of emotional maturity, and I’m positive that a younger me would have fucked it up quite a bit. But if you are interested in learning more, there are many resources available to learn more.

Follow-up post #1: I am not a pimp, stud, or playa.