Keep going… with Boundaries!

#7 Moni keeping you being yourself today.

Hey, person!

Did you know that boundaries are a huge part of your identity? They so are, but often they are falsely interpreted as something negative. Having boundaries often makes us feel bad because it means we have to stand up to those who want to cross them. And that can be terrifying. Saying “No” is one of the hardest things ever.

However, having healthy boundaries is so important. It shapes you as your own self-aware person who is much more confident and respected. Don't be afraid to have boundaries, learn to love them instead. Even though someone isn't okay with your healthy boundaries, you need to realize that it's not your fault. It's their responsibility if they feel bad about you having them. And the sooner people start to respect you with your boundaries, the better for you and your relationship with those people. Respecting each other’s boundaries is the key to healthy relationships.

So how do you even find your boundaries?

They come from your values and your needs. So what are your values? And how do you feel if someone attacks those values? Let's say that you value your family and someone tries to break that bond. Analyze your feelings. Does it feel right? Does it feel wrong? If it feels wrong it means someone is attacking your boundaries. And what about your needs? Let's say you need some quiet time just for yourself for a few minutes each day. You may need it for boosting energy, feeling less stressed, improving your mental life… Whatever the reason, it's important to you and it shouldn't harm anyone. If you feel strongly about some need, it's your boundary and you would feel worse if someone would not respect this need.

Healthy boundaries vs Selflessness

Having boundaries may seem selfish for you and for many other people (especially for those who attack those boundaries). It means that you put yourself first, for once. And that's not how many of us have been raised (especially women). Putting myself first? What a selfish act, right? Well no. There's nothing wrong with being aware of your boundaries. If you're happy then you spread the calm and happiness around you. It's all about balance and respect.

The problem is, society is making you think that it's OK to be miserable as long as it's for the “greater good”. What is the “greater good” anyway? Destroying one's identity to make sure the other's identity remains intact? You are as important as anyone else. Also, any relationship should not be one-sided, it's about people respecting each other and each other's boundaries. There is nothing selfish about feeling safe and comfortable in a relationship. This environment helps you to be more trusting and vulnerable.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm,” someone other than me said, but I agree. (Author unknown)

Communication is the key

So how do you express your boundaries? By talking it out, of course! Sadly, it might not always be the most comfortable thing to talk about. If you have a partner, a friend, a co-worker who is understanding then it's much easier, but it's not always the case. If you don't have such support and you need to set the boundaries, the best advice is to get ready in advance. Think about your boundaries and definitely write them down. Read them aloud just for yourself and get comfortable with these lines that can't be crossed if you want to keep your identity and happiness.

When talking about your boundaries (which can happen anytime and anywhere), be honest, calm, and direct. Be sure to tell them how important they are to you. You can say things like: “This is REALLY important to me”, or “This would mean A LOT to me,” or “I'm not comfortable with…”. If the other person doesn't even try to understand you, it might be a warning sign that this relationship is not well-balanced. If the person listened but in reality has kept not respecting you, also a warning sign. In case you don't want to talk about your boundaries because you are scared of what the person might do, it's a HUGE warning sign. In such cases, don't be afraid to seek some professional help and get the support you need.

Another piece of advice at the end…

Do talk about your boundaries to your friends. Sometimes we like to keep our private lives to ourselves (for whatever reason) and it's a mistake. The more support we gain around us, the safer environment we can create. This advice helped me personally a lot on my journey and I wish it would work for you as well.

Hey! I’m Moni.

Thanks very much for reading, I hope you learned something useful today! Did you like my content? Follow me to get to more of it. :))

Keep going and “say boundaries to your hello”!