An Open Letter…to the Property Brothers
Jonathan. Drew. I love y’all, I really do. I love your banter, I love your handiness, Drew I love how you wear a suit and also how you collect the same checks as Jonathan while only doing 10% of the work. But babes, we gotta talk. Cuz y’all be pissing me smooth the fuck off.
First things first: you need a new opener. That whole “why would you show us this, knowing our budget???” as a pretext to convince them to buy the Nightmare on Elm Street…it’s played babes, it’s played and we don’t believe you no mo. Your show has been on the air since 2012. I’m sure every Canadian with cable and a fixed rate mortgage approval knows that you’re gonna show them what kind of home is achievable if they buy a fixer-upper. It’s a great angle, but that cheesy “ahhh we tricked you!” gag is TIRED. Let it tf go.
Speaking of fixer uppers, since that’s y’all “thing”: UP THE FUCKING CONTINGENCY BUDGET! Every episode, every season, y’all convince a SAHM mom and a tech entrepreneur with 4 kids and 11 dogs to buy a house that hasn’t been remodeled since Sonny was still married to Cher, and every year y’all set aside a measly $10,000 for contingencies. It’s not enough, Drew! That’s not enough, Jonathan! Now mind you, I’m not a contractor or a realtor, but I am a “pay attentioner” and I’ve noticed that y’all tend to blow that contingency budget ten minutes after you knock down the first wall. Renovations are costly and your show has a responsibility to reinforce that fact. Stop being corny and start being real. Tell these people who, despite living in Harry Potter’s old closet, have the nerve to want marble floors and ceilings, that they are renovating the worst house on the block, and money must be spent getting the house up to code first. Cuz nothing is cute about a marble countertop when the damn house is on fire.
Another thing: stop giving these people choices on shit that pertains to their safety. Every time Jonathan finds asbestos or knob and tube wiring, he comes to the homeowners and tells them to choose between spending most of the contingency budget to be safe, or a future with mesothelioma and electrical fires. And every damn time, the camera cuts away to the SAHM choosing asbestos because she “really needs those bathroom skylights”. Put your foot down! Or even better, don’t ask them for their opinion! OF COURSE you spend the extra money to remove the safety risks! Or do you like lawsuits or something?
Lastly, on the subject of superfluous expenditures and putting feet down, STOP letting these people add expensive additions midway through the renovation! One lady asked for a goddamn fireplace in the middle of you tiling the bathroom. Explain to these motherfuckers that they don’t live in the basement anymore, they have made a very expensive commitment to their local bank, and it is unwise to spend money you don’t have, on shit you don’t need, in the middle of the renovation. Because you know that same jackass that demanded a granite waterfall island countertop in week six of a seven week renovation, is going to come to you red-faced and holding a crying baby when you tell her she may not be able to move in on schedule. You are holding the mallet! You are one who is certified! JUST SAY NO TO STUPID ADD ONS!
Now I know I’ve been hard on you boys, but trust me, I do this out of love and concern for you. I don’t know how many more tired HGTV tropes I can take, in between Hilary promising a family of seven she can take a two bedroom house and make them all fit with a budget of $40K, and Chip and Joanna adding sunflowers and wagon wheels in the decor of every house they remodel. I want you all to prosper, I truly do. Go with Jah, and be blessed.
A Very Concerned Citizen
