In Hope there is Healing
At the age of 5, I didn't think it could happen to me. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what was happening. In that moment, all I knew was that somehow I was being betrayed and violated. The very man my mother trusted to be around me, who supposedly loved me, who loved my aunt with all his being, was the same exact man who decided to take away the one thing that I would never be able to get back. He took my innocence. Yup, I said it. He took the one thing a little girl can never get back.
I found out that this man was always helpful and willing to do anything for my family and his friends. So, what made him molest me in the middle of the night, while I slept in the same room as my mom’s sister and in the same bed as my cousin? What made him think this would be okay? How could the same man who portrayed to be a family man, be the same man that wanted a five year old little girl sexually? Did he witness or experience sexual abuse himself? Did those series of events if so, lead him to logically manipulate himself into believing that it was okay to take something from me in order to satisfy his need in spite of the effects that it would have on me? Most recently I found out he tried getting a hold of my mother before he passed away. Was he trying to get a hold of her to say he was sorry for what he had done to me as a child? Could he have felt a moment or lifetime of guilt? The answer is: I have no clue. I am sure a mental health issue played a predominant role. Either way, those are not excuses to touch another human being without their consent. But it is a factor that makes it a little easier in my healing process to be able to move forward from. I will never understand why he did it. These situations are meant for us to confront and deal with for our own healing process. For some of us, trying to understand the mind of the abuser makes it a little bit easier to forgive. Child Sexual Abuse is something, we as a community, need to talk about. If we remain in silence our next generation will not know the affects of it. Instead, they will remain just as helpless and hopeless as we once felt. In the movie Spotlight, one quote was said:
“It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village to abuse one.”
Our silence becomes our darkness and in that darkness we forget that there is light. We forget that in light, there is hope. And in hope there is internal healing even if at the moment it may not feel as if there is. Everyone’s story is their own, it is never the same as someone else’s but it is a story that should be told.
“The scars you cannot see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda~
To all who have had to endure such a traumatic event in their lives, such as child sexual abuse, I want you to know that I stand with you. You are not alone.
In the next few blogs, you will hear from other survivors and/or supporters of Dear Tayrin Inc., blog about the affects of mental health and how it relates to sexual abuse/assault; beginning your journey of healing from abuse; the affects of child sexual abuse; forgiveness; being vulnerable; and much more. Follow us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/deartayrin ; Twitter: @dear_tayrin and Instagram: www.instagram.com/dear_tayrin