The Vagina Opening Monologue
Liberal entertainment took it easy on Biden-Harris, and we all paid the price.
It is a bright, cold day in April, and the clocks are striking thirteen as I sit at the table of my local McDonald’s sipping my McVictory Shake (purple, to celebrate Grimace’s birthday, which is now a national holiday.) On the telescreen, Liz Cheney is once again delivering her tearful confession to crimes against masculinity on The Joe Rogan Experience. Then (as always happens), Tony Hinchcliffe enters the studio and shoots her nine times in the face.
Now YMCA begins playing through the speakers, and I start to dance in my seat to celebrate the death of the traitor. Everyone in the McDonald’s dances, using only their hands. It is double plus good that this has happened. Everything is double plus good now. Even the tariffs on East Asia that have caused the price of McVictory Fries to leap to $50.00 an order are double plus good.
What a difference a week makes! Can you believe that we ever indulged the doomsayers who feared that Trump would preemptively claim victory (or declare a “steal”) before the polls closed on Election Night? Doesn’t it seem just so hilarious now, the self-satisfied wargaming conducted by elites to come up with countermeasures for any Russo-Iranian AI interference meant to cast doubt on Kamala Harris’ undeniable victory?
As I type this, I expected I would be mocking Maya Rudolph’s anticipated cold open on November 9th’s episode of Saturday Night Live. I thought she might even reprise the eye-rolling rendition of “Hallelujah” that Kate McKinnon performed after Hillary’s defeat in 2016. Instead, in what may have been a meta commentary, Maya did not even appear in the cold open, emulating Kamala Harris’ sore-loser no-show at Howard University on Election Night, itself a repeat of Hillary Clinton’s disappearing act on Election Night 2016. If we needed proof that maybe women really aren’t cut out for the big chair, these back-to-back examples of female presidential candidates refusing to suck it up and admit defeat would be exhibit “A”.
Maya Rudolph did portray Vice-President Harris the previous week, of course, playing opposite the real Harris as the two exchanged puns about “ending the dramala” so that America could once again “watch rom-comalas in our pajamalas.” Adorable. It’s a shame we won’t get to spend the next four years watching Maya Rudolph run interference for America’s first all-black, all-SEA woman president while she sells Israel a whole lotta bombalas.
After Biden dropped out of the presidential race and we began hearing complaints that the extent of Joe Biden’s decline had been hidden from the public by a complicit media, I was left wondering if I wasn’t trapped in an episode of Black Mirror. Biden’s unfitness for office had been perfectly transparent from the moment Barack Obama shoehorned him into the nomination. Biden ran his campaign from a hermetically sealed safe room, for crissakes. And during his tenure he avoided interviews as often as possible, stumbled multiple times climbing stairs, lost his train of thought constantly, confused the names of countries, publicly forgot details about his precious Beau, and was thrown bouquets of roses simply for not delivering the State of the Union address with his pants around his ankles. I am now not even sure that it wasn’t Biden who was the one biting his Secret Service agents!
The press couldn’t hide these things, all they could do was refuse to help their audience reach the logical conclusion. It was only when Biden was forced into a circumstance where none other than Donald Trump had to tell us that the Emperor had no clothes that we could no longer deny the obvious.
But even the Fourth Estate’s complicity in bamboozling the public was not as embarrassing as the Fifth Estate of entertainment trying to sneak a nude Kamala past us.
I suppose when one is offered a target as broad as Trump, it could be argued that it makes no sense to aim your arrows anywhere else. But then again, if the subject of your humor is that irresistible, maybe you ought to have the self-awareness to understand why the public is unable to resist them as well. If our nation’s mainstream satirists had not transformed themselves into the protectors of the status quo, if they had been willing to stick it to Harris with the barbs they reserved only for Trump, who knows? The public’s laughter might have overwhelmed Kamala’s own cackles. She might have grown from the experience and even developed a sense for what the public was actually feeling.
Instead, following the Tsar Bomba-scale annihilation of Kamala’s political future (as well as, perhaps, the entire future), we’ve been treated to spectacles such as Jimmy Kimmel’s mawkish post-election monologue where the talk show host choked up before rolling out a list of persons and institutions that Kimmel said the election had been a “bad night” for: women, children, the elderly, journalists, healthcare… nearly every subject being something that has suffered one “bad night” after another for over a year in Gaza. (The Palestinians went conspicuously unmentioned in Kimmel’s list.)
Now that the truth has settled in, fingers have begun pointing. As Biden is thrown to the wolves the donor class and their Upper West Side stenographers have suddenly discovered the “arrogance” of the man who was already one foot and four toes in the grave when they forced him into the race in 2020. Given Biden’s unpopularity and the outright ego that prevented him from simply resigning and handing Kamala the mantle of the Oval Office (which was the game changer she truly needed), Harris certainly had an unenviable task of having to throw together a winning campaign in double-quick time while putting distance between herself and Biden without seeming disloyal.
Regrettably, her grand solution was to permit no daylight at all between her agenda and Biden’s, to offer less than crumbs to the working class, and to scissor her groin raw against Liz Cheney’s crotch.
Kamala was simply a dog shit candidate under dog shit circumstances. But as of today, the verdict being delivered by liberals is split between the Cope wing who are trying to convince themselves that Harris was the best we could have ever hoped for in this fallen world, and the Reactionary wing who thinks the Democrats should have listened to the Critical Drinker when he warned us about what The Acolyte was doing to America’s T-levels.
Perhaps the most obnoxious spokesman I’ve heard for the former opinion is comedian/podcaster Michael Ian Black, whose post-election autopsy (delivered on the Daily Beast’s pod) puts Kamala’s loss down to white America’s fear of black pussy.
America is to blame. The people who looked at Donald Trump and thought that they wanted a piece of the four years that he was president, they are to blame. The one thing I don’t want to do is blame the Kamala campaign. I thought she ran just a great, inspiring and yes, I will say the damn word, “joyful” campaign!… I don’t know if we could have expected anything more or a better candidate, but she had some structural problems. One: a vagina, and two is the wrong amount of melanin content per se.
Okay, well… those “problems” were known from the start. So seeing as how they were incurable, why the fuck would you run Kamala Harris of all people against Donald Trump when “democracy itself” was supposedly on the line?
Kamala (and before her, Biden) deserved a far harsher ribbing from our court jesters when there was still a chance for the message to inspire change. Now it is the lachrymose left who needs to be sidelined before their “Keep Calm and the Force is Female” messaging fogs our brains again.
When it comes to masculinity, however, I myself rank somewhere between Vaush and Pee Wee Herman. So I leave you with the words of the two manliest men to ever grace the silver screen, and a message that I hope the left has the brains to put into action.
Previously: Taking the Kool-Aid Pill
Jason Yungbluth writes comic books, including one called Weapon Brown.
