Sleep studies Suck

I Am Not Crazy!

I stayed awake for basically none. Yep. I have been scheduled now for an overnight study. This should work out real well. PTSD should be in full force then. The beds looked super comfy as was the recliner; I almost fell asleep in it. It looks like a combination of doctors office and motel room. Minus pictures on the wall and a machine that I imagine will make me look like a sleeper from the Coma book/movie.

There is a television but I never really watch tv so I’ve no clue what is on nowadays. I have been scheduled for the day after my birthday (yeah, me) so I can play pretend that I’m on vacation. with Lots of wires hooked to me and a video camera watching me. If I were a paranoid person, this would be the worst possible scenario to be in.

Okay, I admit I an a wee bit paranoid. Considering the questions that I answered honestly. The ones that ask have you ever hear voices or seen something that wasn’t real or that other couldn’t see. I wrote …..”Define Real”. They were not amused, neither was I.

I then proceeded to defend myself, (sound rational, don’t I?), Stating I AM NOT CRAZY.( to which they were probably thinking; riiiight? Humor her.) Since I was a child I have seen, spoken to and heard what was not so for others. Usually someone recently dead. Sometimes strangers(stranger than me) but usually people I knew. ie.. Grandparents just before my Mom would get the call. I have “visions” looking through another’s eyes as an event unfolds. Most of the time, while awake, sort of zoned out. These can be the most horrific things. 9/11. for a few days in a row always about the same time. My neighbor came over with the news, I already knew. I know I’m not alone. Thousand had premonitions of it. That is a shared experience.

The ones that are not shared are the horrific ones. I told my son after being woken up that I had to help the babies be quiet. I had seen through a killers eyes, there were 4 other people with me. Mass carnage. I stepped out of the situation to comfort a toddler and told him to be very quiet. He saw me and clung to me.He was silent, deafening silence fell after a matter of a min. I promised the child he’d be okay. then I was back through the killers eyes. another set of victims. All had ended and I needed to get back to the babies. but my son woke me. My daughter said I zoned out for thirty mins, sobbing so deep a pain that she could feel it, repeating over and over Oh My God. and rocking back and forth. I know she was not lying; our pasta had absorbed ALL the water before I snapped out of it. Apparently she called me, yelled my name and I was just not responding. I felt weakened and tired, bone weary.

My son by then came into the room and told me as he shoved a newspaper headline at me “This is what you were saying last night.” 3 children, more then 6 adults that I could feel. I had no clue who these people were. I had no know connection to them or as far as I knew, the killers; correction, executioners. As I had said a family.” Like I said, it was horrific. I asked about the children, unharmed. Thank God.

I have no control over it. I can’t ignore it, I can’t “change the channel”. Nine time out of ten, children are involved; in need of help. I don’t know if I am supposed to help them, but my motherly instinct tells me too.

I will never go to law enforcement again. They think you are a nut. I am, but not in that way. They questioned me at 15 for hours and would not listen that the girl was still alive. They accused me of the crimes or that I knew the killer. By the time they let me go home, I told them, don’t rush, you’re too late, again. They had a possible house number street signs, a basement, a blue van. I had info only they had and the killer had, or someone close to him. The case was the disappearing young girls in Grand Rapids, MI and surrounding area in the 1970’s. Never going to cops again. I failed that teenager.

So something with blank walls, no windows and just Tv is a good setup for trouble for me. I’ve seen thing play out like watching a movie on the blackness of a bay window. My husband never cheated while out of town again. I had no way of knowing the two girls names or what they looked like, but when he came home and I watched the color drain from his face, I knew I was seeing right.He was over a thousand miles away and no “buddies” around to tell me.

In conclusion, I’m not looking forward to this sleep study. As I get closer to it, I’m sure I’ll write again on it. But Remember, I Am Not Crazy!

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