You won’t ever read this. I’m not sure I want you to. I have written so many times to you and never received anything back. I bought a book of stamps and a number of brown envelopes. You said you were struggling with the distance thing, I was sure I’d make it better. “I’ll write to you babe, I’m always thinking of you.”
What on earth happened? This still doesn’t feel real. It happened a while ago now but you still feel like mine. You’ve moved on I know, I was told but not by you. It really doesn’t feel real, you played a great game. Was it on purpose? Did you realise how much you screwed me over? Or was it just all a silly mistake and you think the same as me from time to time.
I feel like I can feel you still from time to time is that why I can’t let go? Something stronger than just a relationship, it was something kind of spiritual. Or is it me? Am I reading into this too much? Was it actually nothing to you? I really thought we knew each other’s minds, you used to say how I really knew you.
I couldn’t have known you because I would have seen it coming. I remember you saying that you got bored of people easily. Not me you used to always say, I was different…
Maybe that was it, you just got bored. You just let it all slip away, you told me how important it was to communicate. Yet you didn’t really explain why it ended, it just happened. But now you have moved forward, you’ve left me wondering whether we would ever work out. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me, you left it up to him to say. A mutual friend to both of us he is, he has seen us together and you decided to chose him. I allowed you to spend time in his company when we were together. I can’t help but regret that and wonder how long this was going.
I know you are never going to read this. Just like that letter I wrote which meant a lot to me. You just scanned it, no emotion. No emotion when you allowed me to buy you flowers and a coffee before you dumped me. You picked Starbucks and spoke about how your friends were jealous because you received plenty of male attention that evening. It was probably from him, now the pieces fit together. My heart sank, you kissed me and said that we’d never find love like this again. There you go, six months down the line. You kept contacting me when it suited you, to keep my mind wondering.
You know I read back that letter you sent, which said that you loved me dearly but need some time to yourself. Look what happened you spent a few months alone. Not much time to think if you ask me. Not much time to learn and love yourself…. I hope somehow you realise how you’ve destroyed my soul and that I am now struggling to trust again. I can’t go through this pain again and I cannot open myself up again. You have.
You have broken my heart, I am trying my best to improve all those things you told me I was lacking. I can still hear your voice and some of the disgusting things you said. I don’t believe them as much anymore but they are still ingrained deeply in my brain.
Like I said you’ll never read this, but this is the final time I shall write to you. I have promised my mind to finally let you go. It’s been hard and I’m sure you’ll still creep in from time to time. I hope one day once you grow and maybe mature you’ll realise that my intentions were good and I loved you more than myself. I would have done anything you wished so you could have stayed in my life for longer. This is life, this is reality I need to accept the truth.