R_A_Throwaway_ asks:

I met a girl on Tinder and went out with her last Tuesday. It seemed to go well and I texted her the next day saying I had a great time, and she messaged me back agreeing. We chatted a little more that day and I brought up a second date but she was really busy for the weekend so we decided to talk about it later. Yesterday, I asked her how her weekend was going, and she replied almost immediately saying it was good. Again we chatted for a bit and I asked if she would be free again this upcoming Tuesday. She replied in a few minutes saying that she thought so, and then I asked if she wanted to go bowling and get ice cream, and I’m still waiting to hear back…

Did I do something wrong I’m not aware of? I’m just confused because she seemed very enthusiastic and was replying pretty quickly, and also agreed to the first date pretty quickly. It’s been 18 hours now, so should I still be waiting on response, or following up with her? Thanks in advance for the help.


Demetrius says:

I wrote the following in a recent piece , which I want to restate since I think it applies here:

"Ask pointed questions that serve one of these purposes. 
Either ask questions that help you determine if you want to go on a date with this person (i.e. check off your list of deal breakers), or date planning. If you're doing neither one of those things, you're failing at messaging in a meaningful way."

I’ll get back to that, so let’s lay out the sequence of events that led to where we are today:

  1. You matched and messaged on Tinder, then went on a date with her.
  2. You messaged her after the date telling her you had a great time.
  3. You messaged back and forth for a bit THEN you asked her on a second date. She was busy, so you decided to do date planning at a later time.
  4. You then messaged her back and forth for a bit, THEN you tried to set up a date. She gave you a maybe, then you suggested a date plan. So far she’s been unresponsive.

So what happened? You weren’t messaging with purpose. Here’s how the sequence of events should have gone, I’ll leave in my edits so you see what you should have done:

  1. You matched and messaged on Tinder, then went on a date with her.
  2. You messaged her after the date telling her you had a great time.
  3. You messaged back and forth for a bit THEN You asked her on a second date. She was busy, so you decided to do date planning at a later time.
  4. You then messaged her back and forth for a bit, THEN You tried to set up a date. She gave you a maybe, then you suggested a date plan. So far she’s been unresponsive.

If it’s not obvious what I’m saying, let me be crystal clear, your back and forth derailed your conversations. I know that your natural inclination is to do the small-talk, catch-up thing but, don’t. I’m not against small talk, but maybe save the small talk for people you have a small amount of interest in engaging with. Asking coworkers about their weekend? Fine. Asking friends-of-friends, or acquaintances, how work is going lately? Cool. Want to go on a second date with someone? Lead with that, not questions about their weekend.

Here’s the thing, whether you realize it or not, this girl has a lot of men pursuing her. Chances are good that right now she’s got at least 4 active conversations going with guys on Tinder who want to go on a date with her, or have already been on a date with her. Her time is limited, which you know because she’s already mentioned how busy she is, and instead of cutting to the chase and trying to plan a date, you did a whole dance around date-planning. Do you know what your competition was doing while you were asking how her weekend went? They were asking her on dates, because they realized that if you’re in the early stages of dating you should make sure your text messaging/messaging on dating apps are either leading to a date or filtering out potential duds. Pretty much up until the point where you start dating someone seriously, or you just have the sort of texting interplay where you communicate often about substantive things, the “Hey, how was your weekend” is a pleasantry that can be skipped.

She might still respond, it has been less than a day after all, so if she does stop with the back-and-forth small talk stuff and stick to date planning. Save the small talk, which I hope will turn into meaningful conversations, for your next date.

Good Luck Out There.

Filed under: Dating & Relationships Tagged: advice, Casual dating, casual relationship advice, dating, Dating & Relationships, dating a friend, dating advice, dating advice for men, dating advice for women, dating and relationships, dating Q and A, Dating questions, dating questions and answers, online dating, rejection, relationship, relationship advice, relationships, self help

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