Super Bowl Ads are, fundamentally, ass. Commercials that better speak to the anxiety that accompanies post-modernity can be found any weekday, anywhere in Nassau County, Long Island (and, to a lesser extent, Suffolk County.*)

Two Brothers Scrap Metal

Some businesses might see “teenager having a mountain of unexplained scrap metal” as an unbelievable premise for a television commercial. Not “Two Brothers Scrap Metal”. The brazen disregard for logic, the accents, the greaseball dad that yells at his daughter like she’s an idiot for not knowing about their local scrap metal business- all distinctly, wonderfully, Long Island.

Computer Mechanics on…

When it came to dating a pack of raccoons, Dan Rochkind had no problem snagging the city’s most vicious.

“I could have any Raccoon I wanted,” says Rochkind, a 40 year old Upper West Side resident with a muscular build. “I met some nice packs of raccoons, but realistically I went for the most vicious half-dozen I could find.”

He spent the better part of his 30’s getting clawed relentlessly by myriad raccoons and possums, but eventually realized that dating the most savage, rabid animals had its drawbacks- he found them flighty and selfish. …

I had a meeting in Greenpoint; some entrepreneur wanted help punching up his digital content. I shouldn’t have agreed to an in person appointment in Brooklyn’s northernmost reach, but the risk appealed to me; I have known danger, I have drank from the volcano before. The following is an unabridged account of my journey:

Day 1, Morning: I have arrived at the 4th Ave-9th Street platform, just a few blocks from my home. My phone is at 80% battery. LTE is strong.

Day 1, Evening: I hear the steely sound of a train approaching, but quell my hopes; I am…

“It looked pretty good but I definitely was not hungry”

With nervous anticipation I arrived at the Columbus Circle restaurant -about 20 minutes late for my rez (I had to make a pit stop on the way). The maitre d’ however was very accommodating and even gave me a cocktail recommendation -something with vermouth in it- as he ushered me to the bar. I ordered a shot of wild turkey and, when the bartender told me they didn’t have that, I went with the aforementioned suggestion. It tasted like piss.

Anyway, when I finally got to my table and the…

Waldo, beloved pup and honorary fire warden of the Chatsworth Building had a bad bout of diarrhea earlier this afternoon. Our sources indicate that the little rascal drank from a puddle on Elm St. and began experiencing painful, erratic sprays of vile shit shortly thereafter. “Poor dog moaned like a mother in the throes of labor” said the lady in 3B. “Also chem-trails are real. The government is poisoning us” she continued before being ushered back into her apartment by her home attendant.

In other news, a memorial service will be held for Mayor Jenkins, who was found in his garage by his estranged son Kenneth, on the 25th.

Deno DeMartino

Stand Up Comedian and Digital Marketer.

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