Why I won’t date 6 vicious raccoons anymore

When it came to dating a pack of raccoons, Dan Rochkind had no problem snagging the city’s most vicious.

“I could have any Raccoon I wanted,” says Rochkind, a 40 year old Upper West Side resident with a muscular build. “I met some nice packs of raccoons, but realistically I went for the most vicious half-dozen I could find.”

He spent the better part of his 30’s getting clawed relentlessly by myriad raccoons and possums, but eventually realized that dating the most savage, rabid animals had its drawbacks- he found them flighty and selfish. Also they would occasionally try to burrow into his abdomen.

“Screeching, angry raccoons are fun for a while” he says. “but they are often too busy rummaging through trash and slashing my face with their razor sharp claws to hold a conversation. I have since accepted that purely physical relationships don’t last.”