Week 4 Power Rankings: Starting to Chafe

If we investigate ourselves who knows what we might find?

#10 Rand Paul (Last Week: N/A)

Like many people on this list, Randal understands there may be something to all this Kremlin collusion talk and sees absolutely no reason to get to the bottom of it.

Setting aside the clear abetting of possible treason or other criminal acts for nakedly partisan reasons, Obamacare passed in 2009. Republicans have had seven years to come up with an alternative plan. Randal and his friends could repeal it tomorrow if they had spent any time putting together a replacement plan instead of just screaming that Obamacare is bad. Of *all* the things you can claim you need more “time” on, don’t pick that one.

#9 Carter Page (Last Week: N/A)

Take a good long look at Comrade Page because he’s unlikely to appear on this list again.

The administration is doing all it can to distance itself from Page, probably half because he’s a compromised Russian asset and half because he’s completely unhinged. It’s almost like Putin has a type.

Page’s name has recently come up as one of the campaign officials who was in contact with Russian intelligence during the election, when he was a foreign policy adviser to the boss. Considering Page co-founded an investment firm with a former executive of Gazprom, the state-run Russian oil and gas conglomerate, there’s probably some “there” there.

This week, Page sent an 8-page letter to the Department of Justice, addressed to the Department’s Civil Rights Division, which we can’t recommend reading in full. Here are some key facts about said letter so you don’t have to.

Crimes that Page believes the Hillary Clinton campaign should be charged with based on how they treated him: “Severe election fraud,” “hate crimes,” “human rights violations”

Protected classes Page believes he belongs to, qualifying the “crimes” against him as hate crimes: Roman Catholics, military veterans, people with “constructive personal working relations with Russian business and government leaders,” men

Times that Page alludes to Martin Luther King, Jr.’s similar struggle for basic civil rights: 2

#8 Piers Morgan (Last Week: N/A)

You don’t get to choose your family. This is particularly true for disgraced journalist Piers Morgan who found out this week that his son hates him. The chain of events that led to this was as follows:

First he was told to “fuck off” by comedian Jim Jeffries when defending his celebri-pal Donald Trump:

Then global treasure and all round good gal JK Rowling weighed in:

Finally son Spencer finished the perfect triple play:

Luckily Piers doesn’t crave love, and survives only from a diet of attention so I’m sure he’ll be happier than ever.

#7 Ann Coulter (Last Week: #7)

This week was big for Ann, as she accidentally almost happened upon a truth.

She’s nearly there! So nearly!

But then, after the dear leader’s press conference / meltdown, Ann regressed by declaring Trump to be the Pope (or something):

I guess this was what evangelicals who voted for Trump were hoping for ? Get the government out of our religion right?…

#6 Sean Hannity (Last Week: #8)

This week following the Boss’s hour and a half long press conference (illustration below) Sean defended the President. He thinks the MSM doesn’t get it, real people don’t want a sane president — they want the human embodiment of the Thanksgiving argument that the family from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have. Sean knows this because he, unlike proper journalists, is in touch with the concerns of the everyday man and woman.

Put aside whatever the fuck the “alt-left” media is — the last reporting of Hannity’s own salary was $29 million dollars a year.

Sean is such a man of the people that, just like the rest of us, he was able to fly former Speaker and current gasbag Newt Gingrich to a meeting with Donald Trump on his private jet.

#5 Kellyanne Conway (Last Week: #1)

As you may remember last week Kellyanne committed a federal crime by using her public platform to tell the American people to buy her boss’s daughter’s products. Rather than being fired or prosecuted the White House said that Conway had been “counseled” on the matter (just like we’re sure the White House is seeking to “counsel” the hundreds of immigrants it’s seeking to deport who have committed no crime except working in the US).

So Conway was not fired or prosecuted — which is, according to her, a huge win for women everywhere.

Many women do know what its like to have a boss like Donald Trump. Some of them include Rachel Crooks, Temple Taggart, Jill Harth, Nancy O’Dell, the contestants of Miss Teen USA, Summer Zervos, and more than 20 employees of the Trump Organization.

Further setbacks for Kellyanne included having to scrap plans for the Conway Center for the Manipulation of Facts at her alma mater:

Try not to think of it as a rebuke — just an alternative thank you.

#4. Jason Chaffetz (Last Week: N/A)

This is Jason’s first appearance in our rankings, but he’s really been making up for lost time.

Late last week, Jason decided to have a town hall with constituents who he ostensibly represents in the U.S. House of Representatives. It did no go well.

Presumably the chants of “do your job” relate to the fact that Jason, as chair of the House Oversight Committee, has the authority to investigate the boss’s conflicts of interest and the campaign’s possible collusion with Russia. Which Jason naturally has no interest is doing because everything there seems to be on the up and up, all good, don’t worry about it.

Chaffetz did have time to open two new probes this week, however.

First, Jason wants a new investigation into the leaks of information that led to Flynn’s dismissal — not looking to investigate whether other officials were in contact with Russia during the campaign, of course, but to find and punish the whistleblowers who (accurately) outed Flynn as being compromised by the Kremlin.

Second, Jason has asked to bring criminal charges against (we shit you not) the IT guy who set up Hillary Clinton’s home server.


#3 Tucker Carlson (Last Week #5)

Tucker Carlson is easily confused. At this point most information leaves him frozen in the guise of a small child who just walked out of the Vineyard Vines boys’ changing room and can’t find his mom.

So when Tucker brings a Washington Post reporter on his show and criticizes the Post for running “Russian propaganda” as news (Tucker, your show is on Fox News) or decries that “everybody gets a safe space except white men” (Tucker, that’s who the spaces are safe from), you just have to excuse him and hope he finds his way home okay.

#2 Sean Spicer (Last Week #2)

Nosy reporters started the week all antsy about Russia, but Stupid Spice did a good job of shutting them down.

That should close the matter for a while.

Okay but to be fair he just said it wasn’t possible, not that it didn’t happen.

At least we learned this week that Spicer has the courage to own up to his mistakes when it really matters.

#1 Stephen Miller (Last Week #9)

Stephen Miller has shot up our rankings by displaying such toolishness that reporters are now calling in experts on toolishness to explain what makes him such a tool.

Stephen may not be the most likable spokesman, but he makes up for it with his youthful enthusiasm, flexible relationship with the truth, and uncanny ability to recite poorly written comic book villain dialogue from memory. Here are some highlights from Sunday morning.

Elsewhere, stunning revelations about Miller’s past torturing innocent toys are as yet unconfirmed — but you can bet that Chaffetz wont do shit about it.