(Didn’t really edit. Just some thoughts)
What is worth? What am I worth?
These are questions that I have faced every day during junior year. To make things worse, it has only just begun.
But why am I asking this? I don’t really know. Maybe I’m pondering on this because of the way I grew up.
No, I did not have a particularly rough life growing up. There was no abuse, there were no real problems in that sense. I’m not very different than most people in how I grew up.
I’ve gone to private school for all of my life and since I can remember, I’ve always been focused on grades. I’ve had many friends in my life, but I’ve only found very few who I can talk to about my true feelings. But even with those people, I cannot think of a single person who I have told about my views on my own self-worth. I’ve been a hypocrite using this value, telling people that they are worth more than their grades when in reality, that’s all I see in myself.
For me, Grades have always been a priority. Get good grades. Get into a good high school. And now, get into a good college. My life has been about grades and I’m expected to do well. This expectation has consumed so much that I now expect myself to do well. Unfortunately, I constantly fall short of these expectations and feel worthless. I feel like I am absolutely nothing and whatI ask myself at those times scares me.
What’s the point of me being here? How do I even compare to others?
I see all of my friends excelling in grades, in standardized testing, and in anything. At those times, I stand on the side attempting to be happy with a fake smile while burying my envy as deep down as I can. I put on a facade of cheerfulness to hide the pain of my worthlessness.
The hardest part of having smart friends is having to witness their success, and still being able to be happy for them. I feel so inferior to be in there presence and I don’t see myself as valuable in their eyes. I try to make up for my lack of intelligence with other aspects like being a good person and a good friend, but neither of those aspects seem to change the view of myself. These aspects only add to the mask I’ve put on myself to hide my true emotions. I comfort and give advice to others to hide and ignore my pain.
With each success I see, I find myself deeper and deeper in envy and fear. All I have ever really known is grades. To see others far ahead of me leaves me afraid of my future. I’m supposed to be doing well. I’m supposed to get good grades. I’m SUPPOSED to get into a good college.
I don’t see how that can happen.
With all of these people ahead of me, what exactly am I worth? Why am I alive? There has to be a reason. I have to be worth something. I have to have some kind of value. Why else would I be here?
I’m not the only one who feels this way, but I know that I can find my worth. I only need to continue searching.