A letter to my infertile self 6 years ago…
It’s me, me. I’m coming to you from the future to share some bits of “wisdom”.
I want to start off by saying that these next 6 years are going to be tough. I won’t tell you all that is going to happen because you aren’t strong enough for that now. But don’t worry, the experiences along the way will shape you and slowly start to evolve you. Get ready for hard times and heartbreak. Get ready to fight strong and hard, this isn’t for the weak or weary. This will be a long process, there will be countless times when you will look up and wonder if there is a God and if he truly cares about you at all. You will have friends and family who breeze through this season in life. Children will come easy to them, but don’t lose heart, your day is coming. I won’t tell you how many more days you have to go through because you would probably just quit now, but it’s coming. Looking back I can see the hard road, but now the light at the end of the tunnel is so bright that it is starting to drown out the past. The pain will always be there but it won’t hurt as much.
The guidance and peace you are praying for will come, just not as quickly as you would like. This time is about love, patience and growth. Establishing a strong relationship with your husband, working hard to improve your health and lifestyle. What you don’t realize now is that all of these things are required to be in the place I am in now. I’m not the same person you are, I have changed in more ways than I can count. What I wish you could see and understand is that this journey is needed and worth it. One day when you are where I am it will all start to make sense and the pain will just be a distant dull ache that is quickly remedied by the reminder of the future.
I want you to know that this future self is sitting in a baby room, your babies’ room. Admiring all of the teeny tiny little clothes, blankets, and books. Dreaming of the not too distant day when I will be holding my little one. It’s so close I can almost feel it.
Patience friend, patience is the name of this infertile game. Just remember patience is usually rewarded by something great. Remember what mom says “Good things come to those who wait”.
Be there for your husband, this is hard on him too even though he may not show it. Be ready for the “helpful” people along the way and be prepared to show grace to them even when they aren’t so kind. You will hear it all, just remember they are trying to help. Take comfort in the friends that you make along this journey because they will literally be the backbone of your support. You are among some of the strongest women around, heed their advise.
Above all remember to live your life. Don’t dwell on the things you wish you had, because you might miss out on the things you do have. Even though the days may not be filled with a child like you want, they are filled with your life to live.
Don’t take it for granted.