“When I kill her, I’ll have her…”


With Coheed and Cambria setting the background music for this post, I start first by saying that this was going to be two topics in one. However, now, it would be better to split them across seperate posts as their context didn’t have enough congruence to really make them mesh well. This post is inspired by an amazing girl that just recently, and haphazardly fell out of the sky and into my lap.

We made contact via Reddit, on the premise that, “Hey, this person seems cool, and has some characteristics in their life stories that are pretty on the same page as my own! We should talk, and be there for each other if times get rough, because it never hurts to have a friend that really just gets you, inside and out.” Well, that last part resonates out pretty loudly as a couple of messages back and forth soon bred and multiplied. My notification counter ticked into the fifties… the hundreds… the two hundreds… and beyond. It was familiar and strange and ideal and terrifying all at once.

Who was this girl, that seemingly lived my life?! Why were we managing to finish each others sentences and even racing to the exact same thoughts just stated ever-so-slightly different? It was like someone had published a “How-to Desirae” book, and she had her hands on it. We grew up similar. We both played Hockey. Music and Theatre were important. Both sarcastic. Funny. Overtly flirtatious. We had similar discovery stories. Similar break-up stories. Hell, same post-break up living situations. We both had applied to and almost joined the Military (both in Intel, even — just differing on branches.)

Seven hours had passed. It was nearing 0200 my time, and we said our goodnights. I found myself stuck awake for another hour, running over thoughts and really letting the last seven hours coalesce. Was it the basis of connection of both being trans that made it possible to just completely open up to each other? Was it a safety net? Was it the similarities? Am I reading too much into this and am I just feeling something that’s totally not gonna happen?

It had only been seven hours, after all. But, here I was… worrying about if I maybe flirted too much. Was I setting myself up for catastrophic failure (again?) This had happened before, just to a way lesser degree. Connect with someone. Get close. Suddenly they go dark and disappear from my life, or let me know that I’m coming across too strong. This was my M.O..

The next morning and day happened… more conversations. More stories shared. More experiences being hauntingly similar. Who the hell is this girl?! People can’t really have this much in common, can they?

I have to ask you a question.
Hehe. Oh god.

Stomach, meet throat. Heart, quit pounding and relax a sec. Omg, why are my hands so sweaty? Here it comes. Drop the hammer. I can take it. I’m used to this by now… I’m too overbearing… we have different goals don’t we? Just say it. Do it.

This has become something so much more than I imagined it would from our exchange on the daily thread a day ago, and I’m really enjoying whatever [it is]. But I still have to wonder… what IS this?

Omg. Don’t panic. She’s enjoying this? I haven’t screwed it all up yet?! Oh god. C’mon, Des. You can respond to this. You’re poetic and strong. Don’t hide your feelings, just be true. STRIKE TRUE, DAMMIT! Get a grip, girl. Ok. Type out what you think. Y’all are so damn alike so far… she already knows what you’re going to say. Do you think she’s panicking right now? Do you think she’s worried at all about what you’re going to say? SHE IS A CONTROL FREAK! Crap! She has all the power! Des, hit send.

This is what it is. What happens, happens. I don’t have something concrete to hand you, just myself. Because I’m me, and she’s amazing. I’m in this moment. Obviously, as you are. I’m just as... confused? For lack of better word? I know, for certain, I don’t want this to end... and I’m intrigued enough that I want to know and experience more.
I’m on board. I just wanted to make sure the curiosity wasn’t one way.

Cue this morning (What, I’m not going to give you EVERY detail of our conversations! ;) ) We were discussing facial dysphoria, and today being an electrology day, I can’t shave for a few days before. I threw on my clothes and makeup. I snapped a pic and sent it. She made fun of my smirk. FINE! A second pic was taken and sent…

So, Ash, I dedicate this jumbled mess of a post to you. For making me smile so much these last couple days that my cheeks hurt. For laughing so hard that I snort like a piggie. For understanding me. For randomly manifesting in my crazy life. These moments and these conversations are exactly what I’ve been lacking and missing. These precious moments… are precisely what I need to take this next step in my life, my transition. You have me in a constant state of flustered fascination… and I don’t want to anticipate what will happen next — I just want to experience it. ☺


(Note: The next post, I’ll be inviting Him to tea. Yes, Him. I had a request from a reader to sit down with Him and have a conversation, as I did with my demons. So, as an aside — if you have a question, comment or concern… feel free to send it to me. If you’d like for me to blog about a topic that you’re curious about, I say, “Challenge accepted!”)

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