A Charm to Improve Your Medium Stats
You will need:
-Wireless Internet Router
-Knife or Athame
-Green Pillar or Jar Candle
-$1 Dollar Bill
At midnight on a full moon, go to a quiet crossroads near your home where you will not be disturbed. Bring your spell supplies with you. You have from midnight until 3:33 AM to do your spellwork and not a minute more, so work quickly and deliberately.
Begin by drawing a protective circle around yourself and your working area with the sea salt, walking clockwise. Dress your green candle with the thyme, cinnamon and alfalfa. Meditate quietly for a moment on the bills that you could more easily pay with the “claps” you receive on all those articles you wrote about your ex-boyfriend’s butt. When you are ready, write your full name on the dollar bill with the gold sharpie and fold it once, towards yourself. Place the candle on top of the dollar in the center of your circle.
Taking your router in one hand and pointing your athame to the sky in the other, invoke Ev Williams with the following incantation:
Ev Williams, thee I invoke by clapping hand,
By ancient “heart”,
By highlight text
You, who are called the Father of Tweets,
Giver of Claps
Bestower of Virality
I conjure you and call you forth that you might aid me in my workings and bestow thy blessings!
If all is done correctly, Ev Williams will appear from the north, accompanied by a shadowy black bird, who is called Egg Face. Do not speak to him or the bird. Respectfully hand over the router and gold sharpie, always being careful not to meet his gaze directly.
He will draw a sigil on your router. When he is finished, he will hand it back to you. Make your exit silently and quickly, walking in the opposite direction. Leave the green candle to burn down in the crossroads. Under no circumstances are you to look back.
Afterwards you may use your router as usual.