A Day in the Life of a Female Writer
I wake up and take off my pink silk sleep mask to reveal a full face of makeup. I then change out of my female pajamas (which are matching) and into a fully coordinated outfit and hair for just sitting around the house.
10:00 AM — 12:00PM:
Write. Sometimes it’s difficult to hit my deadlines because my boobs get in the way of my arms when I type and also because I’m constantly ruining laptops by bleeding on them. Take frequent low-fat yogurt breaks.
12:00 PM — 12:15 PM:
Poop from all the low-fat yogurt. Just kidding! Women don’t poop! The only woman allowed to poop is female actress, Jamie Lee Curtis, and that’s only because it’s written into her contract with Activia.
12:15 PM–1:00 PM:
Make myself a lunch of caprese salad. Laugh about this to myself.
1:00 PM — 3:00 PM:
Go to Best Buy to buy a replacement laptop. Before walking out the door, I shove dryer sheets down my underwear and febreeze my crotch lest bears be drawn into the store by my menses.
3:00 PM — 5:00PM:
Finish up my articles on low-fat yogurt, hot dads and rosé. Text my female mother about coming home to visit her, my dad and my brother. My dad and my brother are not females, they’re just people.
5:00 PM — 6:00 PM:
Do yoga in my living room in my matching Fabletics yoga gear. Reflect on how lucky I am that there are only 5 female writers in the entire world and that I am one of them.
6:00 PM — 7:00 PM:
Dinner. Caprese salad, again! Relax with a glass of red wine after. I am only allowed to drink red wine, chilled Evian, or Diet Coke through a straw, even though the carbonation pushes the straw out and it’s really fucking annoying. I am allowed rosé at the beach (but only if I’m wearing a giant floppy hat) or at gimmick yoga classes.
7:00 PM — 8:00 PM:
Bathe in my clawfoot bathtub and shave my legs in the tub even though the angle makes it almost impossible. I make do because I don’t own a shower. When I have to bathe on my period, I look like female murder Countess, Elizabeth Bathory.
8:00 PM — 9:30 PM:
Relax in bed with another glass of wine. Watch a Hallmark movie about a hot firefighter who falls in love with a woman who owns a candle store in a resort town.
Lights out! Gotta get my beauty rest!