Ah, hello there aspiring writer! I see you like my style and have been lifting, rather freely, a lot of my concepts and humor articles for a few months now.
I’m honored. Flattered, really. Neil Gaiman, David Sedaris, Douglas Adams and Tina Fey number among my inspirations so to be one of yours is high praise indeed!
Imitation is not just flattery, it’s learning- according to George Bernard Shaw, at least. While I may be irked on the surface, I’m honored to be of help so early in your career. I’d rather you’d outright follow me than lurk through third-parties, but everyone learns their own way. I had a math teacher stand on her head once in middle school to remind me to flip fractions when dividing them, so I assume it’s something like that.
So how can I help? How can I further shape and inform your writing? As a freelance writer, I have literally nothing else in my life that I would rather be doing right now.
I’ve had a few ideas.
Let’s say writing is like making a sandwich. You’ve got the bread, sure. Meat, probably. But it just doesn’t taste the same.
Your sandwich just isn’t as good as my sandwich and you can’t figure out why. You’re biting my style and it’s just not tasting right.
“What could possibly be missing?” You ask yourself.
Well, I’m not going to tell you.
Because I may have gone to Catholic school but I sure as shit don’t have the patience of a saint and you’re on my last damn nerve.
Instead, here’s a facetious list of toppings you can use to flavor your bland content sandwich:
Alfalfa Sprouts
Avocado
Sriracha
Tapatio
A Fried Egg
Sharp White Cheddar
Alternatively you may also want to take your imitation Animal-Style or A la Mode.
