Devon Henry
Aug 25, 2017 · 4 min read
My deepest condolences

To whom it may concern:

I just wanted to take a moment to express my sympathies about that whole “losing both of your thumbs in a terrible freak accident” thing that I assume happened.

I say “assume” because I really have no way of knowing on account of how crap you are at texting so I really have to fill in the blanks. And hooo-boy does my imagination paint a pretty tragic picture of what may or may not have happened to you and your extremities.

I assume you were hiking. You’re outdoorsy- probably because the outdoors are where decent cell signal isn’t. It’s okay. I love that about you. I am super chill and not at all peeved that I haven’t heard from you for over a week. It’s fine. I’m fine.

Anyway, you were hiking. Runyon, perhaps? When a midwestern transplant OR nurse who just moved to Venice just had to run ahead of you to take a selfie with the view. #localsonly #nomadlife #caligirl #lalaland #californiadreaming #calilife #fitlife #fitfam

You never saw her coming, though you probably smelled her Jergens self-tanner. But even so, it wasn’t enough time to react. She sent you tumbling down the hillside and into a bramble where you promptly passed out. It wasn’t until after you came-to that you realized a mother bobcat had chewed off both of your thumbs to feed her newborn litter.

Understandably you were upset- but not mad. Over-developed urban areas often cause food scarcity in local wildlife so you understood that she was only doing what she had to do to feed her young. You can be very courteous and conscious of people’s needs sometimes- not that I need you to text me all the time or anything.

Except that when I say I don’t need anyone to text me, I mean that I think “Good Morning” texts are stupid because what am I supposed to say to that?

“Good morning, bby. Sorry capitalism makes us both get up at the asscrack of dawn so that a woman with a $200 bleach job and a degree in communications from ASU can belittle us. Ttyl!”

But it’s nice to occasionally send someone a dumb meme throughout the day or ask them to get dinner after work so that when they have a dumb Guy Fieri meme that gracefully transitions into dinner plans, they don’t feel weird sending it. I’m just spitballing.

And like, I get that everyone is busy. I’m busy. Every day I come into work I have at least three separate “High Importance” emails from Carol, the corporate equivalent of Barb from Stranger Things. And I’m the receptionist! No one should be emailing the receptionist that much!

Per our conversation earlier…

So, like, when we’re all sitting around and I say “Oh, yeah, I don’t really care about texting. I never texted my ex,” I mean I never texted him because we lived together and it would be dumb to be all, “Oh bby I miss you, what r u up to?” I knew what he was up to. We shared an apartment and he worked from home so the answer would have probably always been something about watching The Wire on our very tasteful slate grey Ikea sectional that I did not get to keep in the break up.

Are you still with me? I assume that a kindly nurse (not the one from Runyon, she’s learning how to surf today) is helping you scroll.

Anyway, I’m not mad.

But it’s not like it wouldn’t be understandable if someone were to get a little mad now and then. Especially if someone, hypothetically, had this really shitty abusive ex in college who ignored them on social media and at parties and never texted them except for when their balls tingled. And when someone, hypothetically, ever tried to make cute conversation via text they were swiftly shut down. And now when people don’t text them it immediately takes them back to that place where they felt small and vapid and insignificant for wanting a man who unironically wore Coldplay shirts to pay attention to them. Hypothetically.

But, anyway, this is about you and the fact that you will never be able to play a full round of “Never Have I Ever” ever again. I’m not even mad if you don’t respond to this. You’ve been through a lot.

Plus, work is getting pretty crazy for me, so.

)

Devon Henry

Written by

Writer, Nerd Queen, T-Rex Impersonator, Amateur Viking, Mostly Harmless

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