DewaD
DewaD
Draft · 2 min read

Dad

I dreamt about my dad last night

I used to win medals. It kept me able to leverage my position as a scholarship receiver at every stage of my education. I would have dropped out high school without it.

I never really wanted anything out of my medals because that’s how i was raised, having nothing. The only thing i asked was to eat kfc after cashing out some money from my junior high biology olympiad. I asked my dad specifically about it. He took me there but just sat in front of me while i eat. I was a kid knowing nothing, i noticed but didn’t care. Now when i think about it, it pierces through me. My dad wont even waste a cent for himself. Now i feel guilty for wanting to get out of this master degree because im frustated. I have worked with everything I’ve got gaining nothing. Getting accolades wasn’t this hard as i remember it. I keep re-evaluating everything. Questioning every inch of my self worth but can’t find anything. Maybe im just not good enough. Im scared to keep going but cant quit either. Its like my gum.

I keep finding blood everytime i brush my teeth. I took it to the doctor but all he said was “keep brushing, it will go away soon”. So i do. Even if i found my mouth blistering red, spitting pool of thick blood, i keep doing. I think thats how i should do this. Keep working though it bleeds.

Its unfair sometimes to see how people got so lucky with their life. Some got easy thesis topic. Some became someone powerful’s favourite person. Some got money and paid abroad trip even by only selling unsustainable idea. Some somehow got into top uni without a fight. Some just sat there at right time and place to be given something. Life is a bad joke.