DewaD
DewaD
Oct 5 · 5 min read

Bulan 7/24: Joker

I walked to a theater last weekend. Obviously i watched it on IMAX. Its the biggest screen available around. I paid 300k rupiah for a screening. I would’ve paid three times more if they want me to.

I got in to the theater all excited. It felt like i was a 6 years old waiting for his birthday present. I was having a mixed thought of a burst of dance, excitement scream, or an uneasy feeling on how could i still be breathing up to this point. I starred to the blank empty screen not knowing which one do i really feel.

Movie theater here is very civilised, there wasn’t any sound even though the theater is packed. I was just waiting, it felt like coming home; a warm blanket and hot chocolate on winter days. When the movie finally started, i think i found myself holding back a series of fireworks in my chest.

It was a bliss.

The reason why i look up to DC characters is because they see the world as i do. That’s my worldview being played in there. Its how i use my eyes. I’ve never been so related to anything in my life before. These characters, they will always be my sanctuary. My home.

(spoiler alert)

The best scene for me is when Arthur finally killed those three bastards. It was a revelation of who he really is. Its a recognition of power he has that has been suppressed by everything around him. His world; the system, mother, love, dream … everything he thinks he lived for, melted.

All child-like innocent-naive fantasies about goodness in the world, hopes, sincerity and dreams were gone. It was forged into something else. He finally found his way. A spark of torch amidst the midnight mist.

It was the time. A celebration of self discovery who is able to fight the world. A downturn to finally see the world as it is:

A damp ambiguous cruel mud sticking to every inch of you body. The exact material which makes you feel disgusted every time you look at the mirror.

I was smiling widely at that time. My breath held, my fingers gripped the armchair hard. I was almost jumping out of my seat yelling “DIE YOU BASTARDS!”.

I didn’t do it though but I’m pretty sure my chair were shaking wildly when i were laughing as he shot the third asshole. If only you could see my face …

Joker, specifically, taught me a lot about life. He is just there to prove that everyone could lose his/her mind out of the slightest push. Life is cruel and everyone have to know it. If you ever watch “The Killing Joke”, or read it, you’ll know this,

“Ive proven my point. There’s no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.

You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won’t admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there’s some point to all this struggling!

God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that...

Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I’m not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!

Ha ha ha!

But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can’t you? I mean, you’re not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we’ve come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war?

An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles!

Ha ha ha ha HA!

It’s all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it’s all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can’t you see the funny side? Why aren’t you laughing?”

One bad day.

It just take a one bad day to turn a kind warm hearted man like Arthur to sanity. Aren’t we all a little stressed lately? The difference would be what can we trust.

Or who.

There’s nothing makes sense of our existence. No matter what ideology you believe in. Life is just a cruel joke designed to burn us slowly. It tricks us to chase the wind for 70-ish years then die. There’s no point.

I was left starring to the same empty screen after the movie. I admit my eyes were teary. I know DC comics will have this huge impact on my soul. But .. i dont know .. i was relieved. Finally, finally someone has taken the road im too afraid to take. Even if he is fictional, but i was happy. I know i could’ve been free by taking it, i know he is.

Soon after i left the building, i was just standing there in the middle of busy crowd walking. The sky were smoky black. My hands were shaking. I felt blood rushing through my vein, i imagine it pouring out of my artery, how does it feel to be real?

My head traces back to who i am and what makes me, me. I can’t find the answer. That left one more room to fill,

How long until i lose my way?

“There is no sanity clause!

So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness.

Madness is the emergency exit.

You can just step out side and close the door on all those dreadful thing that happened. You can lock them away,

Forever.”

DewaD

Written by

DewaD

ॐ | let the day i give up be the day i stopped writing.