What do i know about life
i don’t, for sure. All these decisions i need to make are just pressing. What is it do i want in life? Money? ya! I want respect and all the power that come with money. But in that regard, i need to take risks.
Risk is manageable, but this world is super random and colliding all the time. You could calculate your risk based on certain quantifiable parameters but there are just nothing you can control but yourself. Say you want purchase a stock of an airline company. You want it to grow in price right?
Then what if some stupid ground control staff forget to install a screw head crucial to the autopilot control?
Boom. You died.
Same as life decisions. You can take all the skill sets that suits your “passion” overtime but what if your passion change? What if the market doesn’t need you?
Everyone put expectations on you to have everything before 25. I mean, how could you expect someone to earn a Ph.D under 25 in utterly complicated field that requires you to fail in daily basis while maintaining his/her sanity, part-time job, volunteer, able to cook, be healthy, leading an extracurricular organization, cum laude GPA, keeping clean apartment, doing international exchange, winning competition, adjusting to new social norms, keeping friends, sleep well family and exploring his/her own thoughts to grow further?
Its not impossible, but it might not be fair.
In the end, if you look at jobs, you will see many more considerations. It might be a good job but remotely placed. It might be in a perfect place but it deviates from your whole educational background, It might be supporting your growth but doesn’t pay much, etc.
Imagine to need to pull all that crap before 25. Imagine needing to get everything before it. Imagine needing to have properties, high salary, bright vibrant skin, health, tall body, a partner, a sane and wise mind, lifelong friend etc before it.
You might be looking up to great people above you. Those whom you think have it better than you. Either in one or many ways. They might have told you, “nothing is impossible” or misguided shit like “Bill Gates dropped out of school and become rich”.
See, this is a fallacy called “iceberg effect”. Your eyes just so locked to the top you ignored how many has tried and fail. Besides, BILL GATES IS FREAKING GENIUS WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
What im trying to say is actually im trying to console myself over all this growing up anxiousness. Im afraid if im gonna be left out from life. I actually scared seeing people i met has reached further than i do. Im afraid if im too late for something i dont know i want.
My ego is somewhat strong and fragile. Most times, i have no idea how to handle myself. But i just want to say that its okay for me not to chase the stars. I dont have to be afraid if people are going to leave/mock me because im such a failure. If they leave, then good. I can make my own home. I can be generous with love and i dont need to share it with wrong people.
I came from a very small island. Less than 1% of my peers from elementary and junior high school ever tasted other island than their own. Less than 1% of my high school peers ever tasted master degree abroad. Less than 1% of my bachelor peers already have a patent of their own. The only one who has climbed mount Fuji by nonstop climbing and maybe the first to die. I have came a long way and i deserve to feel tired sometimes.
I dont mind if the people i love is not recognized by the world. You dont have to flash me with glitters, i dont care. If you treat me right, i will love you, period. However, i will let you be whatever you want.
If they like to draw, ill be making a gallery for them. If they like sports, ill be sitting on the podium. If they like to wake up late, ill be there to cook breakfast.
Well, its actually a lot more complicated than that because i cant keep giving unless you want me to treat you like my children. I cant stay too far for too long from those i want to share my life with either. I might need to consider the worst. If im only as worth as my LinkedIn profile to you, you better fuck off.